December 4, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Canadian family lived with a corpse in their upstairs bedroom for six months because they believed the deceased man would be resurrected if they prayed. Which goes a long way in explaining how Rob Ford got elected in the first place.

2. A Canadian family lived with a corpse in their upstairs bedroom for six months because they believed the deceased man would be resurrected if they prayed. So I guess their healthcare system isn’t that great.

3. The TSA announced that they have seized a record 2,000 firearms from carry-on luggage this year. A figure experts attribute to many NFL teams ditching their private planes in favor of flying commercial.

4. Last week, a mall Santa turned away a 7-year-old girl with autism and her service pit-bull because he was afraid of her dog. So I guess that settles it once and for all, Santa’s not black.

5. Microsoft announced this week that it is closing its outdated Clip Art shop and replacing it with Bing Image Search. “This does’t bode well for my job security” said the talking paperclip.

6. USA Today reported that Google plans to roll out child-friendly versions of its most popular products in a bid to be “fun and safe for children” So get ready for “2 Girls, 1 Cup and Elmo.”

7. Psy’s “Gangham Style” video has surpassed 2,147,483,647 views on YouTubes, maxing out the site’s original view counter. So it turns out a Korean with marginal talent, instead of someone with absolutely no talent, was the person who actually “broke the internet.”

8. Psy’s “Gangham Style” video has surpassed 2,147,483,647 views on YouTubes, maxing out the site’s original view counter. Said Psy, “That’s great news, can I borrow like 20 bucks? I’m really hungry.”

9. An overdue copy of “Gone with the Wind” has been returned to a high school library in Washington state, 65 years past its due date. Man that guy is gonna be pretty pissed when he realizes how much time he could have saved if he knew it was a movie, too.

10. Archaeologists in South Carolina believe they have found the wooden remnants of an 18th century wharf where an estimated 100,000 enslaved Africans arrived in America. U.S. Historians call it a painful reminder of this country’s shameful past, while Darren Wilson calls it the beginning of his problem.

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