December 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Rolling Stones saxophonist Bobby Keys died at the age of 70. He is somehow survived by Keith Richards.

2. This week, an Indian man slapped a movie star in the face during filming in Mumbai because of the length of her dress. And no, I checked, unfortunately Anne Hathaway is not currently shooting a movie in India.

3. According to Google, the most searched for toys in November were American Girl and My Little Pony dolls. While the least searched for toy this year remains Tickle Me Bill Cosby.

4. Yesterday, active MLB umpire Dale Scott made history by announcing that he is gay. Said Scott, “I’m out.”

5. Yesterday, Dale Scott made history by becoming the first active MLB umpire to come out as gay. Said Scott, “So what should I do when pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training?”

6. On Tuesday, government health officials said about 50,000 people are alive today because U.S. hospitals committed 17 percent fewer medical errors in 2013 than 2010. “Something tells me that number went up in 2014,” said Joan Rivers.

7. Researchers have found that many of the most common search results online for information on vaginal births after C-sections are written at too high a reading level for the average person to comprehend. And, even worse, many of them contain pictures.

8. For the ninth year in a row, Florida made it through hurricane season without being hit by a hurricane. So, yeah, it just normally looks like that.

9. On Tuesday, the University of Alabama at Birmingham announced that it will end its football program due to increasing costs. But don’t worry football players, you’ll always have that UAB degree to fall back on … just kidding, you’re all fucked.

10. More than 1,000 performers re-enacted the nativity scene in Utah this week in an attempt to set a Guinness World Record. According to reports, there was one Joseph, one baby Jesus and 998 Marys.

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