December 2, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Hillary Clinton remained quiet on the issue of the Keystone pipeline while speaking before a conservative group that is opposed to the plan. But, if she’s anything like her husband, I’m sure she’s in favor of laying some pipe.

2. According to sources, President Obama is considering Ashton Carter to be the next U.S. Defense Secretary to replace the resigning Chuck Hagel. No word on whether Ashton will have to take time off from his boy band.

3. A financial services group found the costs of the gifts in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” carol rose by 1.4 percent to $116,273.06 this year. Proving it to be the most expensive way to tell your loved one “I’m an idiot.”

4. According to a recent poll, the top Republican candidate for the 2016 presidential election among voters is Mitt Romney, narrowly beating out “Another White Guy in a Suit.”

5. Last week marked the one year anniversary of the movie “Frozen.” Or, as parents of little kids think of it,” it feels more like ten years.

6. According to “the New York Times” map of the most Googled Thanksgiving recipe, the most searched for dish in Utah was funeral potatoes. Or, as Larry King calls them, potatoes.

7. After not being charged in the death of teenager Michael Brown, police officer Darren Wilson has resigned from the Ferguson Police Department. So, the Ferguson Police Department’s loss is, I’m guessing, FoxNews’ gain.

8. Sony Pictures Entertainment is investigating to determine if hackers working on behalf of North Korea might be responsible for a cyber attack that knocked out the studio’s computer network last week. Begging the question, why couldn’t North Korea have knocked out Sony’s computer’s before “Grown Ups 2” came out?

9. According to research, moderate exercise helps pregnant women avoid gaining too much weight. Also helping pregnant women avoid weight gain, abortions.

10. Billionaire hedge fund manager Chris Hahn has been ordered to pay his estranged wife Jamie Cooper-Hahn $530 million in the largest divorce settlement in British legal history. Proving that sometimes even the professionals don’t hedge every bet.

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