December 1, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, a man in Colombia held a wedding ceremony for his marriage to a tree. So, I guess, technically you were right, those are woodpecker marks.

2. Amid re-surfacing allegations of sexual assault, embattled comedian Bill Cosby is offering refunds to anyone who purchased tickets to his upcoming show in Tarrytown, but have now changed their minds. Unfortunately, the only way to get the refund is to reach into Cosby’s front pocket to get the money.

3. Over the weekend in New Jersey, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi wed longtime beau Jionni LaValle in a celebration inspired by “the Great Gatsby.” I’m assuming it was based on the movie, because they don’t strike me as big readers.

4. has partnered with Disney to create a 1-hour tutorial where girls can learn to write code that will make the Disney princess of their choosing ice skate around their computer screen. So far, unsurprisingly, the Disney princess with best ice-skating skills has been Mulan.

5. Over the weekend, President Obama went to an independent bookstore in Washington to support Small Business Saturday. While Vice President Biden showed his support by spending his entire day and allowance at a local arcade.

6. On Friday the NFL announced that former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice has won his appeal of his indefinite suspension for domestic violence and is now eligible to sign with any team. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said Aaron Hernandez.

7. On Thursday of last week, acclaimed British crime writer P.D. James died at the age of 94. She is survived by her husband, two children and four grandchildren, or, as she would now undoubtedly call them, seven prime suspects.

8. Country music star Garth Brooks has cancelled his upcoming scheduled national television appearances on shows like “the Tonight Show” and “Live with Kelly and Michael” saying it would be in poor taste to promote his comeback album during the protests and unrest in Ferguson, Missouri. Plus, why give them another reason to riot?

9. On Friday, a 88-second trailer for the newest “Star Wars” movie was released. “So this is what an orgasm feels like,” said nerds everywhere.

10. Over the weekend, 62-year-old actor Mickey Rourke won a boxing match against a fighter half his age. The victory marked the first time in boing history that the face of the winner looked worse than the guy who was knocked out.

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