10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Dr. Ben Carson, a devout Christian and a renowned neurosurgeon, said he feels that God told him to run for president in 2016. So, maybe don’t let him operate on your brain.

2. On Saturday, Dutch health officials said they were destroying 8,000 ducks to prevent the possible spread of bird flu. “Oh, poor them!” said sarcastic turkeys.

3. A 1914 watercolor by Adolf Hitler sold for $161,000 at auction in Nuremberg on Saturday. It would have fetched a higher price but Mel Gibson couldn’t catch a flight to Germany on such short notice.

4. On Friday, addressing the multiple sexual assault claims against him, comedian Bill Cosby told a Florida newspaper “I know people are tired of me not saying anything.” Which is dangerous, because bad things tend to happen when people get tired around Bill Cosby.

5. On Sunday, the New York Times reported that Sting will join the cast of his Broadway musical “The Last Ship.” So, if you’ve ever thought, I’d love to see Sting act, congratulations, you’re an idiot.

6. Yesterday, embattled comedian Bill Cosby’s show in Yakima, Washington was canceled by event organizers. But, if I know anything about Cosby, he won’t take “no” for an answer.

7. A hospital in eastern China is offering fathers-to-be a chance to experience the pain associated with childbirth. And, since this is China, I assume “pain associated with childbirth” means having a daughter.

8. Over the weekend, at Boston’s Logan International Airport, a naked man fell through the ceiling of a women’s restroom, ran outside and bit the ear of an 84-year-old man. “Boy do I,” said the 84-year-old when asked by customs if he had anything to declare.

9. On Tuesday, Will Lautzenheiser thanked the Boston surgeons who performed a rare dual arm transplant on him last month. Lautzenheiser thanked them by giving them five thumbs up, there are still some kinks in the procedure.

10. Competitive eater Joey Chesnut set a new record by eating an entire turkey in ten minutes. Afterwards, the person who got the wishbone wished to unsee the whole thing.

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