November 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A hospital in eastern China is offering fathers-to-be a chance to experience the pain associated with childbirth. And, since this is China, I assume “pain associated with childbirth” means having a daughter.

2. Last week, 4,200 rabbis from 80 countries met in Brooklyn for a conference. That, or there was a Mumford & Sons concert.

3. Over the weekend, at Boston’s Logan International Airport, a naked man fell through the ceiling of a women’s restroom, ran outside and bit the ear of an 84-year-old man. “Boy do I,” said the 84-year-old when asked by customs if he had anything to declare.

4. On Tuesday, Will Lautzenheiser thanked the Boston surgeons who performed a rare dual arm transplant on him last month. Lautzenheiser thanked them by giving them five thumbs up, there are still some kinks in the procedure.

5. Competitive eater Joey Chesnut set a new record by eating an entire turkey in ten minutes. Afterwards, the person who got the wishbone wished to unsee the whole thing.

6. CNBC reported that Twitter is in talks to buy Shots, a selfie photo-sharing app financially-backed by Justin Bieber. It’s all part of Twitter’s plan to give Bieber enough money that he stops making music.

7. Actor Shia LaBeouf made a brief appearance in Manhattan Criminal Court on Tuesday to show he was in compliance with a treatment program after he pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in September. And, as with anything LaBeouf appears in, as a result, the New York court’s Rotten Tomatoes approval rating plummeted.

8. The Cowardly Lion costume worn in “The Wizard of Oz” was auctioned for nearly $3.1 million on Tuesday. “Now comes the hard part, deciding who should wear it during our role-playing,” said Siegfried.

9. On Monday, at the 2014 USA Swimming Golden Goggles Awards, Michael Phelps was named Male Athlete of the Year. The runner-up was Phelps’ girlfriend.

10. A Siberian tiger released into the wild by Russian President Vladimir Putin is the main suspect in a series of goat deaths in China’s northeast. Even crazier, all the goats died from gunshot wounds.

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