November 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, embattled comedian Bill Cosby’s show in Yakima, Washington was canceled by event organizers. But, if I know anything about Cosby, he doesn’t take “no” for an answer.

2. The Grand Jury in Ferguson, Missouri decided not to indict police officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed teenager Michael Brown, late last night. Or, as George Zimmerman thought of it, a normal Monday night.

3. On Sunday, the New York Times reported that Sting will join the cast of his Broadway musical “The Last Ship.” So, if you’ve ever thought, I’d love to see Sting act, congratulations, you’re an idiot.

4. A Cleveland Browns fan who tried to approach backup quarterback Johnny Manziel at a club early Saturday morning told police he was attacked by the player’s entourage. Manziel’s bodyguards became suspicious when the guy openly and without provocation identified himself as a Browns fan.

5. On Sunday, the NFL officially announced that singer Katy Perry will headline the halftime entertainment at this year’s SuperBowl. Ensuring that no matter who wins the game, everyone in attendance will be a loser.

6. Over the weekend, President Obama played a round of golf in Las Vegas with Derek Jeter because, and I quote, “Fuck it, why not?”

7. Students unhappy with school meals are taking it out on the First Lady by sharing images on social media of lunches tagged with #ThanksMichelleObama. So at least schools are teaching our kids sarcasm.

8. According to a new study, older couples in bad marriage have a higher risk for heart disease than those who are happily wed. Which, I guess, means Mrs. Dick Cheney must be a real fucking monster.

9. Last week, scientists announced they believe penis transplants will be possible in the next five years. “Why wait five years? Someone can have mine right now,” said Bruce Jenner.

10. Former Washington Mayor Marion Berry died on Sunday at the age of 78. He is survived by his wife, his son and dozens of drug-dealers who now need to find a new way to support their families.

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