November 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Dr. Ben Carson, a devout Christian and a renowned neurosurgeon, said he feels that God wants him to run for president in 2016. So, maybe don’t let him operate on your brain.

2. Terrence Bean, a major Democratic donor and prominent supporter of President Obama, was arrested last week on charges of sexual abuse related to an encounter with a juvenile male. Or, as FoxNews reported it, Christmas has come early this year.

3. According to a new study, older couples in bad marriages have a higher risk for heart disease than those who are happily wed. So, if you’re in a bad marriage, hang in there, you’ll probably be dead soon anyway.

4. According to figures released on Friday, President Obama’s speech announcing his sweeping immigration reforms reached 4.8 million viewers on Univision. While 3.1 million watched it on FoxNews, but for completely different reasons.

5. On Saturday, Dutch health officials said they were destroying 8,000 ducks to prevent the possible spread of bird flu. “Oh, poor them!” said sarcastic turkeys.

6. A 1914 watercolor by Adolf Hitler sold for $161,000 at auction in Nuremberg on Saturday. It would have fetched a higher price but Mel Gibson couldn’t catch a flight to Germany on such short notice.

7. On Friday, addressing the multiple sexual assault claims against him, comedian Bill Cosby told a Florida newspaper “I know people are tired of me not saying anything.” Which is dangerous, because bad things tend to happen when people get tired around Bill Cosby.

8. On Saturday, golfer Tiger Woods said he has started working with a new swing coach named Chris Como. Or at least that’s what he’s telling his girlfriend and he’d appreciate if we all played along.

9. On Friday, the United Nations agreed that all members should pass and enforce laws barring child marriages. “I guess I’ll see myself out,” said U.N. delegate Woody Allen.

10. Last week, scientists announced they believe penis transplants will be possible in the next five years. Adding, “That, or my wife is gonna divorce me.”

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