November 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama will announce his plan to fix immigration today at 8pm during a nationally televised press conference. His plan, step one, wait two years. Step two, let Hillary deal with this shit.

2. Charles Manson’s future mother-in-law says she approves of her daughter marrying the convicted murderer. So move over Dina Lohan.

3. A new app for Google Glass has been released that lets users watch themselves while having sex. “Finally,” said Kanye.

4. The biggest advertising billboard in Times Square history, longer than a football field and eight stories high, will turn on its nearly 24 million LED pixels next Tuesday. The screen is so massive that it is able to show almost half of Kim Kardashian’s ass.

5. A banking culture that implicitly puts financial gain above all else fuels greed and dishonesty and makes bankers more likely to cheat, according to the findings of a scientific study or anyone who’s ever seen “Wall Street.”

6. According to a new study, a decline in a person’s thinking ability in older age has been linked to having close personal relationships in middle age that cause stress, problems or worries. Or, as it is more commonly known, marriage.

7. The company behind Lunar Mission One is turning to Kickstarter to raise $1 million by offering people who pledge $90 the chance to send a memory box to the moon to be buried. “How big is the box?” said Ralph Kramden.

8. The Game Show Network announced they will add a horror themed game show next year called “Hellevator.” And even though it hasn’t aired yet, the NFL has already publicly claimed that they haven’t seen it.

9. A man in India is being held in quarantine at the New Delhi airport after traces of Ebola were found in his semen. Either the security measures at the New Delhi airport are very invasive or that guy really loves to fly.

10. A winter storm has dropped over 70 inches of snow on Western New York, stranding motorists, knocking down power lines and threatening to postpone the Buffalo Bills’ weekend matchup with the Jets. So. I guess, it’s not all bad news.

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