10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. This week, Paper Magazine released a picture of Kim Kardashian shooting champagne into a glass balanced on her butt. I haven’t seen that much champagne on that big of ass since A-Rod won the World Series with Yankees in 2009.

2. An American veterinary group issued guidelines on Wednesday on how to handle pets that may have been exposed to humans with Ebola. Long story short, it ends with you buying a new cat.

3. Thursday, a man was found on Manhattan’s E-train completely nude and drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels. I bet he was pretty embarrassed when he got to the office and realized it wasn’t casual Friday.

4. New York City Ebola patient Dr. Craig Spencer is expected to be released from the hospital today. Word of advice to Dr. Spencer, start working on a convincing lie to the question: “You look familiar, how do I know you?”

5. Last week, the Federal Detention Center in Miami, Florida held its first ever daddy-daughter dance for its inmates. And, to make the daughters feel more at home, the facility installed a few poles.

6. California health authorities have determined the illness that befell 60 people who attended an NAACP conference last month at a Bay Area hotel was caused by the highly contagious Norovirus. And not, as previously reported, the Man.

7. On Monday it was announced that actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt will play Edward Snowden in a movie directed by Oliver Stone about the former NSA whistleblower. Said Snowden, “That’s ridiculous casting, our social security numbers are nothing alike.”

8. Last week it was announced that the new Star Wars movie will be entitled “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” And, if it’s anything like its fans, it awakens alone in its parent’s basement.

9. The number one badminton player in the world has denied cheating or relying on banned substances despite failing a doping test that could lead to a two-year ban. If suspended, he will be forced to go with his back-up plan, returning to play third base for the New York Yankees.

10. Actor Andy Dick was arrested in Hollywood on a charge of felony theft and released from jail early Saturday on $25,000 bail. Although, from what I hear about the place, I don’t think sending Andy Dick to jail will be much of a determent.

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