November 11, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. New York City Ebola patient Dr. Craig Spencer is expected to be released from the hospital today. Word of advice to Dr. Spencer, start working on a convincing lie to the question: “You look familiar, how do I know you?”

2. City officials said on Monday that New York City will change its policy on possession of small amounts of marijuana, allowing officers to avoid taking offenders to jail and instead just writing them tickets. Or, as offenders will think of it, free rolling papers.

3. According to reports, hackers recently broke into a U.S. Postal Service computer system and stole personal data, including social security numbers, for 750,000 employees and retirees. Experts say it is the first time that hackers pilfered social security numbers to know whose identity not to steal.

4. Last week, the Federal Detention Center in Miami, Florida held its first ever daddy-daughter dance for its inmates. And, to make the daughters feel more at home, the facility installed a few poles.

5. California health authorities have determined the illness that befell 60 people who attended an NAACP conference last month at a Bay Area hotel was caused by the highly contagious Norovirus. And not, as previously reported, the Man.

6. On Monday it was announced that actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt will play Edward Snowden in a movie directed by Oliver Stone about the former NSA whistleblower. Said Snowden, “That’s ridiculous casting, our social security numbers are nothing alike.”

7. According to an excerpt from his recent memoir, a young George W. Bush once had a blind date with the daughter of President Richard Nixon. Well, it didn’t start off as a blind date, but during dinner Bush got black-out drunk.

8. An Oklahoma county judge has ordered oil magnate Harold Hamm to pay nearly $1 billion in a divorce judgment. So now Hamm knows how we feel every time we go to the gas pump.

9. A criminal gang in eastern China has sold almost 100 metric tons of toxic tofu onto the local market. Or, as it is more commonly known, tofu.

10. During a recent interview, former President George W. Bush said he is urging his brother Jeb to make a run at the country’s highest office in 2016 to make it three Bush presidents. But, to be fair, that motto still works if Hillary wins.

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