November 10, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week it was announced that the new Star Wars movie will be entitled “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” And, if it’s anything like its fans, it awakens alone in its parent’s basement.

2. Last week, reality star Kim Kardashian tweeted out that she was “standing with Obama in the midterm elections.” Yet another reminder that President Obama is black.

3. Italian sports car maker Ferrari is recalling over 3,000 of its automobiles because a defect with an interior latch could result in someone becoming trapped in the truck. But, when you think about it, what’s more Italian than that?

4. On Friday, an Indian airliner crashed into a stray buffalo during take-off, luckily no passengers were injured. Although, unsurprisingly, some people heard a discouraging word, or two.

5. The number one badminton player in the world has denied cheating or relying on banned substances despite failing a doping test that could lead to a two-year ban. If suspended, he will be forced to go with his back-up plan, returning to play third base for the New York Yankees.

6. Animal rights group PETA has criticized the Discovery Channel’s “Eaten Alive” program, which will show a man being eaten alive by an anaconda, as a publicity stunt that will torment the snake. “Oh, no, I’m fine, thanks for asking,” said the man.

7. Actor Andy Dick was arrested in Hollywood on a charge of felony theft and released from jail early Saturday on $25,000 bail. Easily the most surprising part of that story is that Andy Dick has $25,000 for bail.

8. Actor Andy Dick was arrested in Hollywood on a charge of felony theft and released from jail early Saturday on $25,000 bail. Although, from what I hear about the place, I don’t think sending Andy Dick to jail will be much of a determent.

9. A high school in Colorado, where recreational marijuana use is legal, was put on lockdown on Friday after a student’s gravity bong filled a classroom with pot smoke. So it looks like that baking soda volcano is, at best, getting second place at this year’s science fair.

10. A former University of North Carolina football player has become the first to sue the university over an 18-year academic scandal that kept athletes eligible to play sports by enrolling them in classes they never attended. And I think he’s got a case because, according to his brief, he’s suing “the Younivercity of Nerth Karolena.”

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