November 4, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Lena Dunham canceled several appearances to promote her new book after allegations emerged that passages in that book amount to an admission that she molested her younger sister as a child. “And this book is sold where?” said Woody Allen.

2. On Monday, it was announced that actor Tom Hanks will publish a book of stories linked to his collection of typewriters. So, if you have insomnia, hang in there, help is on the way.

3. On Monday, it was announced that actor Tom Hanks will publish a book of stories linked to his collection of typewriters. It’s all part of Hanks’ attempt to make something shittier than “Cloud Atlas.”

4. Yesterday McDonalds released a video showing how the McRib is made. I’m no expert in copyright infringement, but I think the makers of “2 Girls, 1 Cup” may have a case.

5. Blackberry has introduced a new function that allows users to retract text messages they have already sent. Next step, teaching your father how to send a text message.

6. A fully operational Apple computer that company co-founder Steve Jobs sold out of his parent’s garage in 1976 for $600 will hit the auction block in December, where it is expected to fetch more than half a million dollars. Which seems like a lot, but you have to remember that it does’t come preloaded with any U2 songs.

7. A memorial to Apple founder Steve jobs has been dismantled in the Russian city of St. Petersburg after the current CEO, Tim Cook, came out as gay last week. Which doesn’t bode well for the Russian statue built for the guy who played Danny Zuko in “Grease 2.”

8. A suspect in an armed robbery of a Subway restaurant in Alabama told investigators he acted out of anger because of his failed “Subway diet.” So, watch your back, Jared.

9. Sprint announced on Monday that it will fire 2,000 employees after a disappointing quarter. Said employees, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t hear you now.”

10. According to a new study, living with a smoker can be like breathing the air in the world’s more polluted cities. Said one 76-year-old, lifetime smoker to his longtime wife, “Don’t say I never take you anywhere. Look around, we’re in New York City.”

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