November 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. For Halloween, President Obama and the First Lady handed out a sugar cookie, kettle corn, jellybeans and an apple to all trick-or-treaters. Said tricks-or-treaters, “I hopped the White House fence for this?”

2. On Saturday night, embers from fireworks at Disney’s Magic Kingdom in Florida ignited a small fire on the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train ride. Or, as it will be known from now on, the Six Dwarfs Mine Train ride. RIP Dopey.

3. On Saturday, Dallas nurse Nina Pham, who left the hospital last week after being treated and cleared for Ebola, reunited with her dog Bentley for the first time since she was diagnosed. “Oh, hey,” said the dog, waving from a respectable distance.

4. After Apple’s CEO Tim Cook came out as gay last week, a member of Russian Parliament called for him to be banned from Russia for life. First you ban Pussy Riot, now you ban Cook, you’re sending mixed messages, Russia.

5. After getting into a fight over censorship that resulted in a six month absence, singer Rihanna started posting pictures to her Instagram account again over the weekend. “Yeah, she has a short memory,” said Chris Brown.

6. Two Kenyans won the male and female races at the New York City marathon on Sunday. They were able to stay ahead of the pack by telling their fellow racers they were from Ebola-stricken Liberia.

7. A new study has linked extreme snoring issues like sleep apnea to memory problems. Specifically, spouses of snorers have problems remembering what they saw in their significant others to begin with.

8. A new study suggests men who have never had sex are twice as likely to develop prostate cancer as men who have had sex. Which, I’m guessing, comes as bad news to the scientists who conducted the study.

9. Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson said in a recent interview that he was sexually abused as a child. Or sensually amused, sometimes it’s hard to tell with him.

10. A suspect in an armed robbery of a Subway restaurant in Alabama told investigators he acted out of anger because of his failed “Subway diet.” But, on the plus-side, where he’s going there will be plenty of people offering him their foot-longs.

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