October 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, a Florida man broke the record for the biggest and most expensive Starbucks drink by ordering a 101-shot latte that cost him $83.75. Even more impressive, he set the same record in California the next day and got there by running.

2. The FTC on Thursday fined UK-based JDI Dating for using fake computer generated profiles to trick users into upgrading to paid memberships online. Officials became suspicious when all the people in the fake profile pictures had good teeth.

3. On Thursday, police in Alabama found a suspected drug dealer who has hiding in tall grass near his home thanks to the man’s dog whose tail could be seen wagging enthusiastically above the weeds. Said the man, “Zoinks!”

4. On Wednesday, an unmanned spaceship loaded with supplies and destined for the International Space Station, exploded seconds after lift off. Officials in charge are confident that the next launch will go off without a hitch as they are currently training their rocket to think about baseball.

5. The government of Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. Although, judging by the Hispanic families I’ve seen, that’s still probably a lot of children.

6. Former President George W. Bush will be going on a promotional tour for his new book “41.” Bush said he is excited to finally see what the inside of a book store looks like.

7. The embattled police chief of Ferguson, Missouri, told CNN on Thursday that he has no intention of stepping down. Although he does plan on doing a lot of ducking.

8. On Thursday, Apple CEO Tim Cook publicly acknowledged for the first time that he is gay. What are the odds that the Apple CEO who was obsessed with design and constantly wore turtlenecks wouldn’t be the gay one.

9. According to a new analysis, the greatest impact in curbing the spread of Ebola in West Africa would come from insuring safe burials for all victims. As a result, the next “Weekend at Bernie’s,” “Bernie Does Africa” has been cancelled.

10. A group of Florida police officers had to call in a prisoner transport van while arresting a 500 pound man because he was too large to fit into a standard patrol car. Officials say if he is ultimately found guilty he may be sentenced to the electric sofa.

11. Nestle will enlist a thousand humanoid robots to sell its coffee makers at electronics stores across Japan. Or, as it’s being reported in the robot world, humans forcing us to sell our friends.

12. A U.S. Department of Homeland Security official who ran an investigation of the prostitution scandal involving Secret Service agents in Columbia in 2012 resigned after he was suspected of visiting a prostitute in Florida. So either he’s a hypocrite or really dedicated to that investigation.

13. The University of North Carolina said on Wednesday that students will now be prohibited from traveling to Africa over Ebola-related fears. But, on the plus-side, UNC students will no longer have to have that awkward conversation explaining to Africans what a Tarheel is.

14. The presidents of Israel and Poland took a joint guided tour of a new museum of Jewish life on Tuesday that highlighted Poland’s flourishing Jewish community before World War II. Although the tour became a little awkward right at the beginning and then all the way until the end.

15. A pristine copy of Action Comics No. 1, containing the origin story of Superman, which sold for more than $3.2 million, has been scanned online and is free for anyone to read. I can’t imagine anyone online would be interested in such a thing … oh it broke the the internet?

16. Nina Pham, the nurse who contracted Ebola in Dallas, but has been given a clean bill of health, met with and hugged President Obama yesterday in the Oval Office. “Yeah, that one’s on us,” said the Secret Service.

17. A Senator from Oregon supports recreational marijuana use and will vote “yes” on a state initiative next week that would legalize it. The weed will undoubtedly ease the pain of everyone’s family and oxen dying of dysentery on the way to Oregon.

18. President Obama will award a Civil War officer the Medal of Honor, the highest U.S. award for bravery, 151 years after he was killed at the Battle of Gettysburg. Said Obama, “Just checking again, which side did he fight for?”

19. Walmart has come under fire for a section on its website they labeled “Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.” Walmart apologized for its mistake and changed the title to “Slutty Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.”

20. PGA of America President Ted Bishop was removed from office on last week for “insensitive gender-biased statements” he posted on social media. Now comes the hard part, finding another old white guy who loves golf to replace him.

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