October 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, teens whose parents use guilt or withholding have trouble working out disagreements well into adulthood. Or, as it is more commonly known, Judaism.

2. Norwegian Air Shuttle was forced to delay a flight to New York by five hours on Tuesday because of a mouse in the cockpit. A mouse in the cockpit, or as it’s known around Richard Gere’s house, a weeknight.

3. A group of Florida police officers had to call in a prisoner transport van while arresting a 500 pound man because he was too large to fit into a standard patrol car. Officials said he committed a crime in 2011 and was still mid-getaway.

4. A woman in Australia stole a $25,000 watch by hiding it in her vagina after a one-night stand. She quickly excused herself the next morning by looking at her vagina and exclaiming, “Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta go!”

5. South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, who may run for president, was recorded during a private gathering saying “white men who are in male-only clubs are going to do great in my presidency.” Which isn’t that surprising considering it’s also the slogan for the Republican Party.

6. A Maine nurse is telling the state to either lift her Ebola quarantine today or she will disregard the restrictions and go to court. Said court, “Court adjourned.”

7. Hip-hop mogul Suge Knight and comedian Katt Williams were arrested on Wednesday on suspicion of stealing a camera from a celebrity photographer in Beverly Hills last month. So good luck to whoever’s in charge of getting those mug shots.

8. A Connecticut school superintendent on Wednesday defended the decision to keep a 7-year-old girl out of class for three weeks out of concern that she may have contracted Ebola while attending a wedding in Nigeria. Said the superintendent, “I have it on good authority that she may also have cooties.”

9. According to new research, people with celiac disease are almost twice as likely as those without it to break a bone. So here’s hoping that’s what’s wrong with Derrick Rose and we’ll get to hear Charles Barkley try to pronounce ‘celiac disease.’

10. The Vatican on Wednesday unveiled new high-tech, energy-saving lighting and air purification systems to protect Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel frescos. Because apparently when you’ve been around for over 500 years, opening the windows counts as ‘high tech.’

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