10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, reality star Kim Kardashian said she wants her daughter North West to have a job. Isn’t that always the case, parents wanting their children to accomplish more than they did.

2. According to a new study, the blue glow from a television screen suppresses natural mechanisms that help people fall asleep at night, but blocking just the blue wavelengths may restore normal nighttime sleepiness. Said late-night TV watchers, “That’s great news, I’ve had a hard time falling asleep ever since Leno retired.”

3. North Korea will bar entry to foreigners on tourist trips starting today due to fear over the spread of the deadly Ebola virus. Oh, now you’re concerned about catching something? Maybe you should have considered that before you let Dennis Rodman into your country a bunch of times.

4. A 22-year-old substitute teacher was arrested and charged after she allegedly performed oral sex on a 17-year-old high school football player during an October 17th pep rally. Said the teacher, “Looking back on it, there may have been a better way to prove that I had spirit.”

5. Actress Renee Zellweger is causing a stir after showing up on the red carpet of an event almost unrecognizable, leading many to speculate about the work she has had done to her face. Critics are calling her a sad example of what Hollywood can do to a person, while Bruce Jenner is calling her for her doctor’s number.

6. A nurse at a Los Angeles hospital took a photo of a woman who gouged out her eyes with pencils and now the patient is suing the hospital after the picture went viral online. The patient said the last straw was the nurse continually pointing out the irony that she was being treated in the ICU.

7. The woman who voted next to President Obama on Monday said she was “embarrassed” after her fiancé jokingly told Barack not to touch his girlfriend. Said the President, “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Jay-Z, ‘No deal.’”

8. Multiple California radio stations have pledged not to play Lorde’s song “Royals” so as not to offend San Francisco Giants fans during the team’s World Series match-up with the Kansas City Royals. The stations also pledged not to play any Nickelback so as to not to offend anyone with ears.

9. A man in New Brunswick claims to have found a dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald’s cup of coffee. Said the employee who served him, “Oh, you said ‘ice coffee.’”

10. Actor Charlie Sheen and adult film star Brett Rossi have called off their engagement after dating for almost a year. Sheen said the honeymoon phase wore off, so I’m guessing the “honeymoon phase” is a type of cocaine.

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