October 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in New Brunswick claims to have found a dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald’s cup of coffee. Said the employee who served him, “Oh, you said ‘ice coffee.’”

2. On Saturday, Bloomberg reported that President Obama is preparing to ask Congress for additional funds to fight the Ebola virus. Although, I think it might be more effective if Congress reported that President Obama plans to ask Bloomberg for additional funds to fight the Ebola virus.

3. Over the weekend, the Pentagon announced that it is forming a 30-person military “quick strike team” that will treat Ebola patients in the U.S. Or, as it will soon be known, a 20-person military quick strike team.

4. Actor Charlie Sheen and adult film star Brett Rossi have called off their engagement after dating for almost a year. Sheen said the honeymoon phase wore off, and I’m guessing the “honeymoon phase” is a type of cocaine.

5. Actor Charlie Sheen said he called of his engagement to adult film star Brett Rossi so he can focus more on his children. Said his children, “Alright, what are our names?”

6. Serena Williams slammed Russian tennis chief Shamil Tarpischev for his “insensitive, sexist and racist” remarks in describing her and sister Venus as the “Williams brothers” on a late night TV talk show. Although, if you ask me, the real victim of this story is the talk show that is so starved for guests that it will interview the Russian tennis chief.

7. Speaking to workers at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau in Washington on Friday, President Obama revealed that his credit card was declined while dining out in New York City last month. “I told you he didn’t have a working Visa,” said Donald Trump.

8. According to its website, Giantmicrobes Inc., a company that makes a line of plush toys based on viruses, has sold out of its entire Ebola doll stock. As a result, Fisher-Price is working on its newest toy, Stay the Fuck Away from Me Elmo.

9. Scientists studying fossils have discovered that the intimate act of sexual intercourse used by humans was pioneered by ancient armored fish, called placoderms, about 385 million years ago. Scientists also discovered that, just like humans, placoderms married for life, which also explains why they stopped having intercourse and eventually went extinct.

10. A Washington state high school teacher has been warned not to have students spin a disciplinary “Wheel of Misfortune” to assign punishment for misbehaving in class. Even more disturbing, it was run by the shop teacher Mr. Armstrong and he insisted on dressing like Vanna.

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