October 17, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday was National Boss’s Day. So, if this is the first you’re hearing of it, today is probably National Look for a New Job day for you.

2. New York Knick Amare Stoudemire said he regularly takes baths in tubs of red wine to allow his body to recover. As a result, Stoudemire has been named co-host of the fourth hour on the Today Show.

3. On Thursday, a New York judge found Donald Trump personally liable for operating a for-profit investment school without the required license. Said Trump, “This is ridiculous, what kind of monster demands a piece of paper to prove something.”

4. Jamaica announced an immediate travel ban on Thursday for foreigners who are traveling into the country from Ebola-affect African countries. But, just to be safe, the government has instituted a new policy of “puff, puff, stay.”

5. An Australian man had a spider removed from his stomach after it burrowed its way into his body and survived for three days before being removed. So maybe Ebola isn’t so bad.

6. According to a new poll, 17% of Italians have had sex at the airport. Said Italians, “Look, you ask me to take off my shoes, and one thing’s gonna lead to another.”

7. On Wednesday, CNBC announced that Jay Leno will be returning to television next year to host a new series about cars. The show will be entitled “Jay Leno’s Garage,” which I always assumed was just filled with boxes of denim shirts and jeans.

8. Yesterday Canada announced that it is testing out a possible Ebola vaccine. But don’t get you’re hopes up, the vaccine is just Canadians politely asking Ebola to go away.

9. Amal Alamuddin, George Clooney’s new wife, is now Amal Clooney according to her law firm’s website. She said she changed her name so she wouldn’t be confused with all those other Amal Alamuddins.

10. Under a new policy, Apple is offering to pay for female employees to freeze their eggs. And, if their new operating system is any guide, Apple is really good when it comes to things freezing.

11. Patrick Cannon, a former mayor of Charlotte, North Carolina, was sentenced on Tuesday to four years in prison after admitting to using his office for personal gain and accepting over $50,000 in bribes. Or, as it is known in Chicago, being mayor.

12. During Saturday’s preseason game against the Miami Heat, Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James forgot which he was on and set a screen for a former teammate. “That’s not so odd, I daydream what it would be like to be on the other team all the time,” said the entire roster of the New York Knicks.

13. Speaking at an event for Iowa Senate candidate Bruce Braley, Michelle Obama mispronounced the Democratic hopeful’s name not once, not twice, but seven times. Looks like President Obama isn’t the only one in the White House who’s already checked-out.

14. County clerks in Idaho began issuing the state’s first marriage licenses to gay couples earlier this week. Which is great news for the gay community in Idaho, or, as it is more commonly known, Rick and Steve.

15. According to a new documentary, Edward Snowden, the NSA whistleblower, has been reunited in Russia with his long-time girlfriend. His girlfriend said she is “excited to see him” and can’t wait to “catch up” about everything that’s happening in his life by him speaking slowly and clearly into the third button on her blouse.

16. According to a new study, about 14 million major medical conditions in the U.S. can be blamed on smoking. And yet, somehow, we’re still stuck with a healthy Jon Gosselin.

17. The California owner of a parrot that spoke English with a British accent says the bird went missing for four years, only to return speaking Spanish. The bird is Madonna’s spirit animal.

18. Philadelphia police are looking for a woman who reportedly stole a Vietnam Vet’s prosthetic leg during the Eagles’ 27-0 win over the New York Giants, Sunday night. The Giants’ defense was so porous, that despite missing his leg, the man still had 7 catches for 134 yards and a touchdown.

19. The daughters of President Obama, singer Lorde and Nobel Prize Winner Malala Yousafzai all made Time magazine’s annual list of most influential teenagers. Because if there’s anything teens love, it’s reading Time magazine for pointers on how to be cool.

20. On Monday, in a dramatic shift in tone, the Roman Catholic Church released a document stating that homosexuals had “gifts and qualities to offer.” Sounds like someone’s looking to redecorate the Vatican.

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