October 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man who checked into the Navy’s Substance Abuse and Recovery Program for alcohol treatment was also treated for an addiction to Google Glass. Even worse, the guy was so drunk, the doctors didn’t have the heart to tell him he was just wearing regular glasses.

2. HBO announced that it will launch a standalone online streaming service next year to people who don’t subscribe to the cable service on TV. I guess nobody told HBO we already have that, it’s called using our buddy Justin’s HBO Go password.

3. On Wednesday, U2 lead singer Bono apologized to iTunes users who objected to receiving an automatic download of the groups latest album in September. While Limp Bizkit’s frontman Fred Durst just apologized in general.

4. According to Forbes magazine, Michael Jackson is the top-earning dead celebrity, making an estimated $140 million last year. Said Joe Jackson, “Tito, why can’t you be more like your brother?”

5. On Wednesday, yogurt became New York’s official state snack, replacing the previous state snack of oh God, that’s not yogurt!

6. Rapper Snoop Dogg and singer Iggy Azalea are in an online feud after Snoop called Iggy ugly. But, if you ask me, I just think Snoop is angry that he can’t figure out how to add extra z’s to Azalea.

7. Pizza hut had to apologize after an employee wrote “the Fat Lady” on a customer’s receipt. Although, if writing “the Fat Lady” on a customer’s receipt helped identify that customer in a Pizza Hut I’m willing to bet “the Only Lady Here” would have worked as well.

8. Yesterday, it was announced that actor Neil Patrick Harris will host the 2015 Oscars. Or, as fans of Neil Patrick Harris refer to them, the straight Tonys.

9. On Wednesday, Warner Brothers Studio announced they had reached a deal with Netflix to air all ten seasons of “Friends.” Said the CEO of Netflix, “We wanted to fill the void during those times when TBS isn’t airing an episode of ‘Friends,’ like during commercial breaks.”

10. The White House said on Tuesday that President Obama will hit the road in the coming days to stump on behalf of candidates in Maryland and Illinois. But, because his approval rating is so low, he will be campaigning on behalf of the Republican candidates.

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