October 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, on Twitter, singer Demi Lovato jokingly announced that she agreed to marry a five-year-old fan who proposed to her at her last concert. Because, apparently, if you’re underage and ask someone named Demi to marry you, they have to say yes.

2. Alyssa Carson, a 13-year-old girl from Louisiana, has made it her life’s goal to be the first person on Mars. Well, to be more specific, her life’s goal is to get as far away as humanly possible from Louisiana.

3. Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney publicly posted a love letter to his wife, Ann, Tuesday on social media. In the letter, Mitt said he couldn’t imagine his life without her, but, since he’s Mormon, he could imagine a life with several additional Anns.

4. Vice President Joe Biden, in a closed-door meeting with black clergy members in South Carolina, reportedly referred to himself as “the only white boy on the east side of Wilmington,” growing up. Which is still much better than the previous nickname he gave himself, “the Fresh Prince of Delaware.”

5. A finalist to head the largest U.S. Native American tribe will remain on the ballot despite a ruling last week that he should be disqualified for refusing to prove his fluency in the Navajo language. So now the names on the ballot are “Sitting Bear,” “Wandering Eagle” and “Bob.”

6. The Supreme Court has taken up a North Carolina case over whether the state dental board has the authority to regulate teeth-whitening services. Or, as it is more commonly known in North Carolina, tooth-whitening services.

7. On Tuesday, a suspected bank robber named Richard Gordon walked out of a Washington state bank with stolen cash and then waited outside the building until police arrived and arrested him. Said Gordon, “Lesson learned, Uber is not a reliable getaway vehicle.”

8. A gun-slinging Alaska wildlife manager chased off a massive polar bear that broke into a house in a remote community to eat from a drum of seal oil yesterday. Luckily, someone got a picture of the whole ordeal, so now Alaska has a new state crest.

9. According to estimates, adult Halloween costumes will outsell kids’ costumes by $320 million this year. Which is weird, because I’m pretty sure most of the costumes I see women wearing were made for kids.

10. Amal Alamuddin, George Clooney’s new wife, is now Amal Clooney according to her law firm’s website. She decided to shorten her name from the much longer George Clooney’s wife Amal Alamuddin.

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