October 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A 12-year-old girl from Arizona called out Dick’s Sporting Goods for failing to include female athletes in its 2014 basketball catalog. But, in their defense, most professional female basketball players aren’t interested in Dicks.

2. According to FBI director James Comry, Apple’s new privacy features protect kidnappers, pedophiles and terrorists. “Great, there goes our target market,” said Blackberry.

3. The Food Allergy Research & Education Organization is encouraging people to place teal-painted pumpkins outside their doors on Halloween if they’re offering non-food treats. Even without the blue pumpkins, these houses will be easy to identify because they will be covered in eggs.

4. Belgian company Solvay has won a contract to provide plastic for Apple’s latest iPhone 6. Said a representative for Solvay, “This was a God-send. We thought we would have to declare bankruptcy when our biggest client went out of business last month when Joan Rivers died.”

5. Health officials have pledged that they will take care of and not euthanize the dog of the Dallas nurse who recently contracted the Ebola virus. Said officials, “This dog is really easy, it just plays dead all the time.”

6. According to a new study, people who use marijuana may be more likely to survive a serious head injury than people who don’t. Plus, if they smoked a lot of marijuana beforehand, you won’t even notice a difference.

7. Yesterday, Esquire magazine named actress Penelope Cruz this year’s “Sexiest Woman Alive.” Because Cruz is best appreciated in a medium where you can’t hear her talk.

8. A high-ranking member of the Hell’s Angels was arrested after he was caught with illegal erectile dysfunction pills. Which is weird, because you’d think that would make it more difficult to ride a motorcycle.

9. A woman in the U.K. held a wedding ceremony to marry herself. She said the hardest part was deciding which of her cats should be the best man.

10. According to a new study, dining with an overweight person may cause people to eat more unhealthy foods. So apparently New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has been eating lunch in front of a mirror for the past 25 years.

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