October 10, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cylvia Hayes, the fiancee of Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber, said on Thursday she had once married an 18-year-old immigrant student in exchange for $5,000 which she used to pay her school tuition and buy a laptop. Said Hayes, “Wait, I used the $5,000 for tuition, I bought the laptop with my stripping money.”

2. According to the Wall Street Journal, Amazon.com may soon open its first brick-and-mortar store in midtown Manhattan. Said Amazon executives, “We always felt like our online store was missing homeless vagrants wandering around out front.”

3. A new study suggests physical exercise helps the body purge a harmful protein associated with depression. Unless, of course, that physical exercise is playing football for the New York Jets.

4. More than two dozen lawmakers want the U.S. to ban travelers from all Western African countries until the Ebola outbreak is under control. And some Republican lawmakers even want the ban to be retroactive starting from the date President Obama was born.

5. Stars who have used drugs, visited prostitutes or been involved in other law-breaking activities will not be allowed to appear on Chinese television, movie screens or other forms of broadcast, state media said on Thursday. Which explains why their version of the hit CBS show is entitled “One and a Half Men.”

6. Police have found Germany’s biggest-ever stash of heroin, with an estimated street value of $60 million hidden in a truckload of pickled cucumbers and garlic. But it kinda sounds like they found some pickled cucumbers and garlic in a truckload of heroin.

7. In an attempt to combat widespread corruption in Thailand, traffic policemen will now get money in return for refusing bribes. Or, more accurately, policemen in Thailand will now get money for claiming they refused bribes.

8. China is on the hunt for a Siberian tiger released into the wild by Russian President Vladimir Putin, state media said on Thursday, after the animal roamed into the communist country. And you can tell it’s Putin’s tiger because it has no respect for borders.

9. During a special meeting called by Pope Francis this week, Cardinals met with married couples to discuss the importance of sex. And, unlike most meetings with Cardinals on this subject, it didn’t end with a discussion about the importance of keeping a secret.

10. A prosecutor in Texas wants Adrian Peterson arrested and his bond revoked after the NFL star allegedly admitted to “smoking a little weed” while out on bail on child abuse charges. Said Peterson’s son, “I actually prefer him on marijuana, he’s a little more mellow.”

11. Yesterday, President Obama was the headliner at a Democratic fundraising event in the backyard of actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s California home. Paltrow said the goal of the event was to get people to consciously uncouple with their money.

12. A finalist to head the nation’s largest Native American tribe will not be allowed to continue his candidacy after refusing to prove his fluency in the Navajo language. “Come on guys, you don’t trust me?” said Daniel Snyder.

13. Obama administration officials on Wednesday said an improved HealthCare.gov website should be able to break its own record for online traffic next month. And, with any luck, the following month they may even be able to break double-digits.

14. Ferguson, Missouri authorities are drawing up contingency plans fearing what may happen if a grand jury does not indict a white officer for killing a black teen. Their contingency plan, extra riot gear.

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