October 9, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The trial of NFL running back Adrian Peterson may be delayed if the judge assigned to the case is forced to recuse himself after referring to the attorney’s on the case as “media whores.” But, considering they are attorneys, it’s still probably the nicest thing anything has called them in a while.

2. According to a new study, the average person picks up their smartphone over 1,000 times a week. That’s crazy because it also means that, at some point, people are putting down their smartphones.

3. A 90-year-old woman whose California chinchilla farm was purchased and shut down by PETA has sued the group, claiming they falsely portrayed her as an animal abuser. Although she didn’t help her cause when she showed up to court in a full-length chinchilla fur coat.

4. “H is for Hawk,” a book about dealing with the death of a loved one, is among the six books on the short list for the Samuel Johnson Prize for Non-Fiction. While “M is for Motherfucker” is the odds on favorite to win the Samuel L. Jackson Prize for Non-Fiction.

5. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett on Tuesday predicted that Hillary Clinton will run and win the U.S. presidency in 2016. Said Joe Biden, “What’s that guy know about predicting the future?”

6. According to a new study, men who spend less money on an engagement ring are less likely to get divorced, mainly because they can’t afford it.

7. On Wednesday, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that five major American airports would institute beefed-up security measures, include taking passengers’ temperatures and asking specific questions, to prevent the spread of the Ebola virus. “Well TSA Agent Jackson, I have good news and bad news. Good news, you’re no longer on x-ray duty…”

8. Carlos Slim, the Mexican telecom tycoon worth over $80 billion, believes a three-day work week will soon become a reality. Said Mexicans, “I don’t want to give up my five-day weekend.”

9. According to tech experts, Facebook is set to launch a service that lets users send each other money using the site’s messaging feature. And, in unrelated news, I’ve recently been getting a lot of friend requests from Nigerian princes.

10. Yesterday, three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for helping to create the LED light. While High Times magazine’s Prize in Physics was awarded to the guy who created the backlight.

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