October 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for helping to create the LED light. The ceremony will be held in an empty but well-lit room.

2. According to a new report, waitresses put up with high levels of sexual harassment because they have to survive on tips. Begging the question, exactly how many nights a week is Herman Cain going out for dinner?

3. Missouri authorities are drawing up contingency plans fearing that fresh riots may erupt if a grand jury does not indict a white officer for killing a black teen. Said authorities, “It’s funny how contingency plans can sometimes look like bus tickets out of town.”

4. On Tuesday, a federal appeals court struck down Nevada’s ban on same sex marriage. “What do you mean divorce? I don’t understand, I thought things were going well,” said Siegfred’s wife.

5. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett on Tuesday predicted that Hillary Clinton will run and win the U.S. presidency in 2016. Said Joe Biden, “Well that’s the last time I ever listen to ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise.’”

6. Former NFL running back Larry Johnson was arrested in Florida on Tuesday, accused of hitting a man with a broken bottle at a hotel. Said Commissioner Roger Goodell, “You did say ‘former’ and ‘man,’ right?”

7. A Delaware mother was arrested on Monday after her four-year-old daughter unknowingly brought 250 packets of heroin to her daycare and passed them out to class members thinking they were candy. But, on the plus side, the art teacher said she had never seen such interesting finger paintings.

8. A spokesman for the Taliban revealed his location after he sent a tweet that showed exactly where he was. He was in a remote cave in Afghanistan and, since I’m a TimeWarner customer, he still had better WiFi service than me.

9. Yesterday, Wal-Mart announced that it is eliminating health benefits for workers who work less than 30 hours a week. Said the affected workers, “That’s not good news for my tooth.”

10. Pizza Hut has started a new campaign entitled “Book It” that encourages kids to read by giving them pizza. Which is great for Pizza Hut until the kids get proficient enough to read ingredients.

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