September 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a healthy baby girl early Friday morning in New York. “No Bill, you’re using it wrong,” said the guy who passed out the cigars.

2. Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford narrowly escaped a pedestrian bridge that collapsed onto a downtown highway while he was driving to practice Friday morning. Said Stafford, “That’s crazy, even the Lions have the courtesy to wait until December to collapse.”

3. Thirteen Tennessee teens escaped from the Woodland Hills Youth Development Center on Friday, the same juvenile detention center in Nashville where 32 escaped earlier this month. But, on the plus-side, looks like those exercises on teamwork seem to be working.

4. On Friday, Belgium, Denmark and Great Britain announced that they will join the U.S. in its fight against ISIS. Oh you done fucked up now ISIS, Denmark’s on board!!!

5. On Saturday, China vowed to hand out the “harshest penalties” to food safety violators. So finally I will be able to drink a coke without fear of someone playing a joke.

6. Over the weekend, Cuba announced that it will send 300 doctors and nurses to West Africa to help combat the Ebola virus. Cuba said it is happy to send so many medical professionals because, for once, they’re not really concerned about defectors.

7. Over the weekend, the world’s most famous bachelor, George Clooney, married human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin in a private ceremony in Venice. Because nothing says “please respect our privacy” like throwing a wedding in the country responsible for the word “paparazzi.”

8. Over the weekend, the world’s most famous bachelor, George Clooney, married human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin in a private ceremony in Venice. “That’ a shame,” said delusional aunts everywhere.

9. According to reports, George Clooney’s weekend wedding was a star-studded affair which included Brat Pitt, Sandra Bullock and Bono. Although, as is quickly becoming U2’s custom, Bono showed up despite the fact that no one invited him.

10. A woman has sued Disney claiming that they stole her life story for the plot to the movie “Frozen.” Donald Sterling made a similar claim with regards to Disney’s “Song of the South.”

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