September 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people are suing Madison Square Garden for allegedly over-serving them at a recent Billy Joel concert. When he heard the news, Joel, out of habit, exclaimed, “I wasn’t the one driving, I swear!”

2. A 6.2 magnitude earthquake hit northwest of Anchorage early Thursday morning. Scientists believe it was the result of “seismic shifts in the Earth’s tectonic plates,” while former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin blames it on “the gays.”

3. Ferguson, Missouri Police Chief Thomas Jackson told CNN that, despite calls to do so, he has no intention of resigning. But, if for whatever reason, you do happen to lose your job, maybe leave “Ferguson Police Chief” off your resume.

4. The chief of the Osage Nation Native American tribe has asked all tribal members not to use FedEx, a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins, until the team changes its name. “It’s the right thing to do,” said Chief Sponsored By UPS.

5. The singer-songwriter formerly known as Cat Stevens has cancelled an upcoming show in New York City because scalpers have driven up prices. Which is a really clever way of saying no one bought tickets.

6. Authorities in Idaho are seeking a truck driver who held 37,000 pounds of frozen chicken for ransom demanding money for expenses before eventually letting it rot at a Montana truck stop. “Just how rotten are we talking about here?” said Taco Bell.

7. On the second season premiere of MTV’s show “Faking It,” a character was revealed to be intersex, a person who is born with both male and female chromosomes. “Looks like my competition for best actor/actress just heated up,” said Bruce Jenner.

8. President Obama has drawn criticism for a video that shows him saluting a Marine using a hand that was also holding a cup of coffee. Even worse, Barack wasn’t saluting the Marine, he was asking for a refill.

9. According to a recent poll, more than half of Americans said “yes” when asked if brands should drop their sponsorship deals with the NFL over its mishandling of players accused of domestic violence. Which I can only assume means that “Why the fuck should I care” counted as a “yes” vote.

10. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. “Oh, she can walk now, I didn’t even notice,” said men.

11. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto said on Monday that he hopes the U.S. Congress will soon pass immigration reform. It’s not a good sign when even the president of Mexico wants out.

12. On Monday, the Walt Disney Company said the stage version of “the Lion King” has generated the highest total box office of any production in any entertainment medium in history. Said Simba, “I just wish my dad was around to see my success.”

13. On Monday, a Virginia preschool teacher was arrested and charged with assault and battery after she allegedly punished a 13-month-old boy by biting his shoulder. “No you’re doing it all wrong,” said Mary Kay Letourneau.

14. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. No word on what Matthew McConaughy and Woody Harrelson think of the casting, but they’ll probably be so high when it airs they won’t even realize it’s not them.

15. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. They said they just grew apart, which I took to literally mean that they kept getting fatter.

16. Clemson University suspended a mandatory online course that asked students about their sex lives following a backlash from the school community. The final straw occurred when a professor, upon learning of one girl’s minimal sexual experience, said he’d “give her an F.”

17. A leading lawmaker said on Sunday, women of the Senate have taken notice and will speak up about how the NFL has handled domestic abuse cases. Although, to be fair, women speaking up is what got the NFL into this mess to begin with.

18. According to zoo officials, the groundhog that squirmed out of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio’s hands and fell to the floor during this year’s Groundhog Day celebration, died on Thursday. Now, I’m no meteorologist, but that can’t be a good sign.

19. A 26-year-old Connecticut man was in police custody on Tuesday after showing up to a probation meeting driving a car that police say he stole from a woman in a supermarket parking lot and later may have used to rob a bank. Said the man, “But at least I was on time for my probation meeting.”

20. Thai Prime Minister General Prayuth Chan-ocha admitted on Tuesday to turning to fortune tellers for work-related advice. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “That’s an insult to people like me, who hold positions of power, and my magic eight ball.”

21. According to an investigative report, young people in rural Pennsylvania can buy heroin more easily than a bottle of wine. Which may explain why the Amish think the beard with no mustache is a good look.

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