September 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Next week the Supreme Court returns to work and is expected to decide if statements made on social media sites should be enough to put someone in jail. And, if the social media site in question is MySpace, they’ll also answer the age-old “if a tree falls in the forrest” question.

2. recently discovered that George Clooney is related to Abraham Lincoln. No surprise Lincoln had connections in the acting world, he had pretty good seats to that play.

3. CBS announcer Phil Simms said he will not use the term “redskins” during tonight’s telecast of a matchup between Washington and the New York Giants. Which should make the scheduled halftime interview with John Boehner all the more difficult.

4. On Wednesday, Blackberry unveiled its unconventional square-screened smartphone, the Passport. Said critics, “It’s adorable that they keep trying.”

5. Honey Boo Boo’s father Sugar Bear is denying charges that he cheated on his wife Mama June. Said Sugar Bear, “You told me animals didn’t count.”

6. Oil driller Continental Resources has been revising its corporate history in ways that diminish the company’s accomplishments under CEO Harold Hamm, part of a legal strategy that might help Hamm avoid the largest divorce award in U.S. history. Said his ex-wife, “Typical Harold, he talked a big game, but in reality, never actually ‘drilled’ as much or as deep as he said.”

7. According to experts, your medical information is worth 10 times more than your credit card number on the black market. But that’s only because your credit card number is already on the black market.

8. According to new research, domestic violence occurs as much and possibly more among same-sex couples as among opposite-sex couples. “Yeah, let’s get back to talking about Michael Sam,” said Ray Rice.

9. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. I’m happy it worked out, but it’s usually not a good idea to make improvements on the second floor when there’s a shaky foundation.

10. An investigation by The Humane Society has found that a men’s parka sold by retailer Kohl’s with the description “faux-fur trim” uses real fur from raccoons. Said Kohl’s customers, “Looks like someone just got a real fur coat for half the price.”

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