September 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Halfway through a news segment on the Alaska Cannabis Club, reporter Charlo Greene made an abrupt exit by quitting live on air. Or, as they refer to it up there, pulling a Palin.

2. According to a new study, people who have a heart attack while traveling abroad may be able to safely fly home on regular commercial flights. Assuming, of course, the plane has enough room in storage for the coffin.

3. MLB commissioner Bud Selig has intensified his efforts to speed up the pace of play in baseball. Said the 80-year-old Selig, “We need to hurry this up, Matlock comes on at 4.”

4. Three Afghan National Army officers, guests of the U.S. military at a training facility in Massachusetts, disappeared on Saturday and reappeared on Monday in the custody of Canadian border guards. But, in their defense, they were just practicing the skills they plan on implementing once back in Afghanistan, running the fuck away.

5. Kris Jenner, the matriarch of the Kardashian family, on Monday, filed for divorce from her husband Bruce Jenner. Kris said when she looked at Bruce she “didn’t see the man she fell in love with any more, but, instead, an expressionless woman.”

6. Kris Jenner, the matriarch of the Kardashian family, on Monday, filed for divorce from her husband Bruce Jenner. “Oh, that’s terrible news,” said idiots.

7. On Monday, a Virginia preschool teacher was arrested and charged with assault and battery after she allegedly punished a 13-month-old boy by biting his shoulder. Fortunately the toddler had already got his cootie shots.

8. On Monday, the National Toy Hall of Fame announced its 2014 nominees, which include American Girl dolls, My Little Ponies, the Rubik’s Cube and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “Fuck them,” said a visibly-drunk Mr. Potatohead.

9. Over the weekend, a Czech zoo burned about 132 pounds of rhino horns as part of an international campaign designed to highlight the plight of a species being driven towards extinction by poachers. Although, I think it would have been a more effective protest if, before burning the horns, they had first removed them from the rhinos.

10. A Los Angeles attorney may have her law license suspended after state bar investigators found that she had superimposed images of herself into numerous celebrity photographs posted on her website. Said one long-time client, “So she wasn’t at the Last Supper?”

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