September 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cleveland’s city planning commission approved artwork on Friday for a ten story-high banner of LeBron James, with his arms outstretched and “Cleveland” across the back of his jersey. But, just to be safe, they’re using extra-flammable paint.

2. Last week, actor Keanu Reeves awoke at 4 AM to find a stalker lounging in the library of his Los Angeles home. That’s crazy, Keanu has a library?

3. On Sunday, tens of thousands of people marched through Manhattan to bring attention to global climate change. Considering the seasons the Mets, the Yankees, the Giants and the Jets are having, it’s nice that New Yorkers got the opportunity to enjoy one parade this fall.

4. During a trip to the mostly Muslim nation of Albania, Pope Francis rebuked militants who act in the name of religion, saying no one can act as the “armor of God.” Then he quickly got back into his bulletproof Popemobile.

5. In the first quarter of Sunday’s game between Detroit and Green Bay, Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch managed to hurt himself while celebrating a sack of Packer’s quarterback Aaron Rodgers. “No wonder we’ve been able to stay so healthy,” said the Jacksonville Jaguars.

6. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. Legal experts predict a bitter custody battle over who gets the deep fryer.

7. On Friday, Crest said it would no longer be offering pink mouth guards to NFL players as part of the League’s annual Breast Cancer Awareness Month campaign this October. But the company will continue to give them away for free to all NFL wives and girlfriends.

8. Actress Angelina Jolie has been hired to direct a feature film about conservationist Richard Leaky’s campaign against ivory poachers that threaten Africa’s elephants. The movie’s working title is “Precious 2.”

9. Two conservative town council members in eastern Austria have resigned after a documentary film showed them singing and toasting one another in a basement filled with Nazi memorabilia. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to see Mel Gibson is back to making movies.

10. Basketball’s international regulatory body has announced that it will allow Sheikh, Muslim and Jewish players the right to wear religious headgear while playing. Because, apparently it wasn’t already easy enough to pick out the Jews on the court.

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