10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. During a concert in Monterey on Tuesday, singer Miley Cyrus offended many in attendance when one of her dancers used the Mexican flag to spank the oversized, fake butt she was wearing. It’s sad that one bad decision spoiled what otherwise would have been a very classy evening.

2. Surveillance tape showed that a man armed with a banana robbed a convenience store in Philadelphia and made off on a bicycle with cash and cigarettes. But, in his defense, it sounds like he really needed the money.

3. A man in Florida was arrested for masturbating during a yoga class. But, on the plus side, he got to keep that mat.

4. A consulting firm has published a 294-page report trying to improve the customer experience at Olive Garden restaurants. The first page says “Go eat somewhere else” and the remaining 293 pages are blank.

5. According to a new study, children who start having seizures soon after a vaccination and go on to develop epilepsy usually turn out to have an underlying cause of the seizure disorder. That, or they got their hands on some bad heroin.

6. Anheuser-Busch publicly chastised the National Football League on Tuesday for its decisions regarding recent domestic violence cases. Said a representative for the beer company, “The last we want Anheuser-Busch to be associated with is people making bad decisions.”

7. On Tuesday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio was named a United Nations Messenger of Peace, a post he will use to raise awareness about climate change and hit on models.

8. It has been announced that Alex Trebek has grown back his famous mustache for the new season of “Jeopardy.” Not to be outdone, host Ryan Seacrest has finally gotten rid of his “beard.”

9. Senator Jeff Flake, an Arizona Republican, and Senator Mark Heinrich, a New Mexico Democrat, will star in a reality show set to air next month where they will be stranded on a desert island and forced to work together to survive. And, in future news, Jeff Flake and Mark Heinrich are dead.

10. According to a report filed in court by lawyers for the National Football League, about one in four NFL players are likely to end up suffering dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease or other cognitive impairments during their lifetime. The statistic is even higher for family members of NFL players.

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