September 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Apple sold a record 4 million iPhones 6 and iPhone 6 Plus smartphones on Friday, the first day that the new gadgets were available for pre-order. And, somehow, half of them already have cracked screens.

2. German beer-maker Heineken has rejected a takeover bid from beer giant SABMiller. Yeah, not so much fun when it happens to you, huh, Germany?

3. After hearing complaints from users because U2’s new album was automatically downloaded to everyone’s iTunes library, Apple has introduced a giant “Remove Album” button to delete those tracks. “That doesn’t work for all albums, right?” said Maroon 5.

4. In a recent magazine interview, Martha Stewart said Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow “just needs to be quiet,” stick to acting and stop “trying to be Martha Stewart.” Be careful Gwyneth, those ex-cons will cut you.

5. A Senate committee will consider statehood for the District of Columbia this week, the first hearing on the matter by Congress in two decades. So, if the measure passes, the Washington Redskins will become a state-wide embarrassment.

6. A new study suggests, when babies are too young to get the whooping cough vaccine, vaccinating their parents might protect them from the dangerous infection. Said parents, “Looks like this kid’s getting whooping cough.”

7. In a memo to the NFL’s 32 teams, Commissioner Roger Goodell said he has hired four women to “shape the NFL’s policies and programs relating to domestic violence and sexual assault.” They settled upon four women because there’s safety in numbers.

8. Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson turned himself into Texas authorities early Saturday on felony child abuse charges. Also being brought up on child abuse charges, any parent who raises their kid to be a Vikings fan.

9. On Friday, a rare blue flawless 12-carat diamond, one of the world’s rarest gems, was put on display at the Natural History Museum in Los Angeles. The gem will remain on display through the end of this year or until Kobe cheats on his wife again.

10. Kanye West shocked fans in Australia when he stopped a concert after two fans failed to stand up for him even though one was in a wheelchair and the other had a prosthetic limb. Hey maybe Kanye was just trying to perform a miracle and, after he realized his mistake, a miracle did occur, Kanye shut up for a few minutes.

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