September 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Walt Disney World announced Friday that construction has begun on a new Epcot attraction based on the animated hit “Frozen.” Because apparently the “it” in “Let It Go” is your money.

2. Sarah Palin and her family were reportedly involved in a brawl at a party in Anchorage, Alaska last week. Mrs. Palin was allegedly personally involved in the scuffle, but, as is her custom, resigned halfway through.

3. It has been announced that Alex Trebek has grown back his famous mustache for the new season of “Jeopardy.” Not to be outdone, host Ryan Seacrest has finally gotten rid of his “beard.”

4. In celebration of the 30th anniversary of Bob Marley’s groundbreaking album “Legends,” Ben and Jerry’s has released a new marijuana-themed ice cream. “Ah, hello?” said half-baked.

5. “Django Unchained” actress Daniele Watts says Los Angeles police allegedly detained her because they thought she was a prostitute. But, on the plus-side, she’ll be the first call if Hollywood ever decides to reboot “Pretty Woman.”

6. Vermont Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders said on Saturday he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Said Hillary Clinton, “I’ll you what I told Bill, there’s no harm in thinking.”

7. Senator Jeff Flake, an Arizona Republican, and Senator Mark Heinrich, a New Mexico Democrat, will star in a reality show set to air next month where they will be stranded on a desert island and forced to work together to survive. And, in future news, Jeff Flake and Mark Heinrich are dead.

8. Tabloid reports that George Clooney and his fiancé Amal Alamuddin would perform their civil marriage ceremony at a London town hall drew small crowds on Friday. But just like audiences at showings of “Monuments Men,” Clooney and Alamuddin were no shows.

9. Sheriff’s deputies in Colorado arrested a 60-year-old woman who pointed a rifle at her neighbor’s 11-year-old son as he practiced his clarinet in their backyard. Said the kid’s parents, “Hey, look, we make him practice outside, so we get it.”

10. According to a report filed in court by lawyers for the National Football League, about one in four NFL players are likely to end up suffering dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease or other cognitive impairments during their lifetime. The statistic is even higher for family members of NFL players.

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