10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. An inventor in Missouri has created a new sleeping bag made of the same material as bulletproof vests that can withstand shrapnel going 200 miles per hour. Or, maybe, just find a new place to camp.

2. The FBI is searching for a woman who reportedly made death threats to reality star Kris Kardashian. Authorities have narrowed it down to anyone who gets the E! network.

3. According to a new study, the average person spends 315 days during their lifetime nursing a hangover. Which can only mean that Courtney Love has drastically outlived her life expectancy.

4. California state senator Ben Hueso has been charged with driving while intoxicated after police said they saw him traveling the wrong way down a street in Sacramento last month. Although, if you ask me, there really is no “wrong way,” as long as that street takes you out of Sacramento.

5. According to new findings, surfaces in households of children with MRSA infections are often contaminated with the same strain of bacteria. That story again, children are gross.

6. Two Iowa women in their 90s celebrated their seven decades together as a couple by getting married over the weekend. And, as their combined 180 years of life experience has taught them, there was no best man.

7. Four years after Arnold Schwarzenegger left office as California’s governor, his official portrait was unveiled at the state capitol on Monday. The painting is so life-like that, no matter where a woman is in the room, the image’s eyes always follow.

8. According to a new Federal Reserve report, the super rich got richer as the gap between them and the rest of America continued to widen over the last few years. Or, at least, that’s what my butler told me this morning when I asked him to read the newspaper to me.

9. The Somalia-based Islamist terrorist militant group Al-Shabaab named Ahmed Omar Abu Ubaidah its new leader after its previous leader was killed in an American airstrike last week. Said Ubaidah, “Sorry I was late guys, what’d I miss?”

10. On Friday, President Obama took a break from a NATO summit to visit Britain’s prehistoric Stonehenge monument. Or, as FoxNews reported it, look what President Obama’s mere presence did to this once thriving city.

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