September 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, the Dalai Lama told a newspaper that he sees no need for a successor. Or, as it is known in the U.S., pulling a Leno.

2. An inventor in Missouri has created a new sleeping bag made of the same material as bulletproof vests that can withstand shrapnel going 200 miles per hour. Or, maybe, just find a new place to camp.

3. Last week an IT worker in China was arrested after the accidentally uploading his personal pornography collection onto a jumbotron at a stadium. So, your move SuperBowl halftime show.

4. Senator Orin Hatch said billionaire investor Warren Buffett called him recently to find out what Congress might do about companies that move abroad for tax purposes. Even more surprising, he called collect.

5. Yesterday it was announced that Tim Tebow will be joining “Good Morning America” as a contributor. Said Tebow, “It’s the job I’ve always wanted ever since everyone told me I couldn’t have the job I really wanted.”

6. According to a new survey, alcohol use amongst teenagers leads to unsafe driving and compromised relationships with peers, while using marijuana harms relationships with authority figures. So if your son hates you, great news, he’s not drinking.

7. Activists in Colorado called on Thursday for the fast implementation of rules requiring marijuana-infused edibles to be clearly distinguishable from regular products when removed from their wrappers. Because if the pot community is known for one thing, it’s getting things done quickly.

8. Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has hit the road to promote his new children’s book. Said one concerned parent, “Maybe Richards shouldn’t begin every reading by asking the kid if they ‘want to do a few lines.’”

9. A campy-low budget pornographic horror film is enjoying new found popularity after one of its actors was spotted appearing in a commercial for the Democrat running for governor of Pennsylvania. Thus, effectively ending the campaign for governorship of candidate Dick Gozinya.

10. A property developer in New York is offering ten parking spaces in the trendy lower Manhattan neighborhood of SoHo for $1 million each. Experts say this is the most overpriced piece of New York City real estate to not bear the name “Trump.”

11. The gay Oregon man who helped overturn the state’s decade-old ban on same-sex marriage is heavily featured in a campaign ad for Republican senate candidate Monica Wehby. Said Wehby, “Even though I’m a Republican, I came out in support of gay marriage because I don’t want to win.”

12. Visa launched a new service to replace account information on plastic cards with a digital account number known as a “token.” So remember, it was your token, not your account information, that was stolen by a hacker.

13. Broadway theaters dimmed their lights Tuesday night for one minute in the memory of the late Tony-nominated comedian Joan Rivers. Said Broadway representatives, “It’s how Joan would have wanted it, she always said she looked better in the dark.”

14. An evangelical pastor in Washington state is coming under fire after he said that women are nice homes for a penis. I don’t know about that, but, after that comment, I’m pretty sure his wife is gonna own his balls.

15. An assault charge against pop singer Justin Bieber was withdrawn in a Toronto court on Monday after the prosecutor said there was no reasonable prospect of conviction. We can’t get anything to stick on this guy, he’s like our generation’s Al Capone, and, with any luck, he’ll also die of syphilis.

16. According to reports, in her upcoming memoir, Wendy Davis, the Democratic candidate for governor of Texas, reveals that she ended two pregnancies of her own. And, even more chilling, a few that weren’t hers.

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