September 11, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A New York City councilman has proposed a bill that would require costume characters in Times Square to wear a badge with their real names and a picture of their face. Thus transforming a magical experience where your kid was able to meet his hero into a cautionary tale to stay in school.

2. The FBI is searching for a woman who reportedly made death threats to reality star Kris Kardashian. Authorities have narrowed it down to anyone who gets the E! network.

3. According to a new study, the average person spends 315 days during their lifetime nursing a hangover. Hopefully that doesn’t mean we have 312 more of those shitty movies to look forward to.

4. According to a new study, the average person spends 315 days during their lifetime nursing a hangover. Which can only mean that Courtney Love has drastically outlived her life expectancy.

5. Leigh Castergine, the former senior vice president of ticket sales with the New York Mets, has filed a lawsuit against the team in which she claims to have been fired from her position for being pregnant and unmarried. Although her story seems implausible, I find it hard to believe that someone was actually in charge of selling tickets to Mets games.

6. Singer Justin Bieber stripped down to his underwear at 2014’s “Fashion Rocks” event Tuesday night in Brooklyn. Which is impressive because sometimes those garanimals can be tough to get off.

7. An Ohio man fell 60 feet off a cliff while sleepwalking in a national forest in Kentucky, but suffered only minor injuries. So here’s hoping for a speedy recover for Mr. Wily E. Coyote.

8. On Tuesday, Carly, a labrador retriever, surprised her owners by bringing a human skull to the front yard of their Austin, Texas home. And that was the last time Carly’s owners asked her to play dead.

9. On Tuesday, an orangutan, who became famous by correctly predicted the winner of the Super Bowl for the last seven straight years, died at a zoo in Utah. Apparently he was a great forecaster of football, but was terrible at baseball and those bets came due.

10. The Somalia-based Islamist terrorist militant group Al-Shabaab named Ahmed Omar Abu Ubaidah its new leader after its previous leader was killed in an American airstrike last week. Ubaidah celebrated by never going outside ever again.

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