September 10, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, the number of women in New York who have to wear government-issued ankle bracelets is up nearly 4,000 percent. Begging the question, exactly how many ankles does Lindsay Lohan have?

2. Bill Cassidy, the Republican congressman running for Senate in Louisiana, is taking heat after he said the Senate is run “like a plantation.” He knows who’s president, right?

3. On Tuesday, after much anticipation, Apple unveiled a new watch, two larger iPhones and a mobile payments system. “What a coincidence, that’s exactly what we were planning on unveiling in six months,” said Samsung, Motorola and LG.

4. California state senator Ben Hueso has been charged with driving while intoxicated after police said they saw him traveling the wrong way down a street in Sacramento last month. Although, if you ask me, there really is no “wrong way,” as long as that street takes you out of Sacramento.

5. Apple unveiled its long-anticipated smartwatch on Tuesday, with CEO Tim Cook calling it the company’s “next chapter.” But, apparently it’s not one of those choose-your-own-adventure books, because none of us would have chosen a stupid watch.

6. According to new findings, surfaces in households of children with MRSA infections are often contaminated with the same strain of bacteria. That story again, children are gross.

7. On Tuesday, Carly, a labrador retriever, surprised her owners by bringing a human skull to the front yard of their Austin, Texas home. Said the owners, “Can’t we have one normal game of fetch.”

8. An infant killer whale was spotted over the weekend in Washington state’s Puget Sound, the first orca born to the region’s endangered population of marine mammals in two years. But, by all means, keep talking about this new royal baby.

9. President Obama will address the country Wednesday to explain to the nation “what out game plan is going forward” in the fight against ISIS. And, ISIS, it’d be really cool if you guys didn’t tune in.

10. Two Iowa women in their 90s celebrated their seven decades together as a couple by getting married over the weekend. And, as their combined 180 years of life experience has taught them, there was no best man.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.