September 9, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Four years after Arnold Schwarzenegger left office as California’s governor, his official portrait was unveiled at the state capitol on Monday. The painting is so life-like that, no matter where a woman is in the room, the image’s eyes always follow.

2. According to a new Federal Reserve report, the super rich got richer as the gap between them and the rest of America continued to widen over the last few years. Or, at least, that’s what my butler told me this morning when I asked him to read the newspaper to me.

3. S. Truett Cathy, the founder of Chick-fil-A, died early Monday morning at the age of 93. The service will be held on any day but Sunday.

4. On Monday, Facebook said that 1 in 10 Africans are logging onto the social networking site every month. I bet those user who live in the Sahara desert really enjoyed all those ice bucket challenge videos.

5. On Monday, Facebook said that 1 in 10 Africans are logging onto the social networking site every month. So if you thought your news feed was depressing.

6. A new study suggests, the extra healthcare expenses and lost productivity of menopausal women with untreated hot flashes may cost the U.S. billions of dollars each years. The study was conducted by whoever the Republicans nominate for president in 2016.

7. Ravens running back Ray Rice was released by the team and suspended indefinitely by the NFL on Monday after an elevator surveillance video was released showing him striking his then-fiancé in February. Rice said he is sorry for his actions but hopes some team gives him a second chance and is staying in shape by always taking the stairs.

8. Ravens running back Ray Rice was released by the team and suspended indefinitely by the NFL on Monday after an elevator surveillance video was released showing him striking his then-fiancé in February. Whereupon Jay-Z immediately hired him as his personal bodyguard.

9. University of Miami President Donna Shalala said on Monday she plans to step down at the end of the academic year. So now it’s just a waiting game until UM has an something that resembles an ‘academic’ year.

10. On Monday, CBS announced Tony-winning British actor James Cordon will replace comedian Craig Ferguson as host of “The Late Late Show” next year. But as a sign of respect to the outgoing host, Ferguson has been top trending topic on Twitter for the past few weeks.

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