1. Now that he has been suspended from the NFL for the entire season, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon has taken a job with the Sarchione Auto Group in Ohio. “I’ll take whichever car has the most trunk space,” said fellow-suspended-NFLer Aaron Hernandez.
2. Long-running ABC talk show “the View” finalized its cast Wednesday, confirming that actress Rosie Perez will join Nicolle Wallace, Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O’Donnell. In the past, it has been hard to understand what is being said when all the co-hosts talk at once, but now viewers will experience the same confusion just when Rosie Perez talks.
3. An 18-year-old boy, identified only as D.F., is suing convicted sex offender Jerry Sandusky, claiming he was molested by the former football coach several times six years ago. Said Sandusky, “I used to love it when they piled on, but not like this.”
4. Mixed martial arts fighter Jonathan “War Machine” Koppenhaver made his initial appearance in court on Wednesday to face 32 charges, including attempted murder. Said friends, “That doesn’t sound like the War Machine that I know.”
5. Scholastic announced that Nick Cannon is set to release a book of children’s poems next March. Or, as his wife Mariah Carey refers to them, poems.
6. A woman in Austin, Texas is calling herself a real-life tiger after covering 90% of her body in tattoos of tiger stripes. When asked why she stopped at 90%, the woman replied, “Well, I didn’t want to look crazy.”
7. According to industry experts, Rock Hill, South Carolina boasts the nation’s lowest gas price at $3.09 a gallon. Said local residents, “At that price, how can I not burn a cross in my neighbor’s yard?”
8. Kubrat Pulev has accused world heavyweight boxing champion Vladimir Klitschko of feigning injury to avoid competing in a title bout scheduled for next month. Said Klitschko, “I’m not injured. We had to postpone because the venue ran out of vowels for the marque.”
9. According to a new study, eating foods full of chemicals and high in fat, sodium and sugar may reduce your interest in eating healthier foods. Also reducing your interest in eating healthier foods, eating healthier foods.
10. An orthodontist in Arkansas is offering his patients the choice of having a University of Arkansas Razorbacks logo for no additional cost affixed to the front two teeth of their braces on willing fans. And so begins the search for an Arkansas Razorbacks fan with more than one tooth.