September 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A glitch in the new John Madden NFL video game has accidentally created a player that is only one foot tall. Said Madden representatives, “That player isn’t one foot tall, he’s normal size, everyone else is on steroids and HGH.”

2. Earlier this week, Denver Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker was suspended for four games for testing positive for the party drug Molly. While Welker’s quarterback Peyton Manning tested positive for Geritol.

3. Now that he has been suspended from the NFL for the entire season, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon has taken a job with the Sarchione Auto Group in Ohio. “I’ll take whichever car has the most trunk space,” said fellow-suspended-NFLer Aaron Hernandez.

4. James Richardson, the former spokesperson for the Republican Party, came out as gay yesterday. Said Richardson, “You try being around Ted Cruz all day, every day. That man will turn you.”

5. An deadly albino cobra was captured Thursday after it escaped from its owner into the well-to-do streets of the Los Angeles suburb of Thousand Oaks. The last time Thousand Oaks was this upset about a snake coming into its neighborhood was when Kobe “the Black Mamba” Bryant tried to move in.

6. Long-running ABC talk show “the View” finalized its cast Wednesday, confirming that actress Rosie Perez will join Nicolle Wallace, Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O’Donnell. In the past, it has been hard to understand what is being said when all the co-hosts talk at once, but now viewers will experience the same confusion just when Rosie Perez talks.

7. On Thursday, NBA commissioner Adam Silver said he believes expanded legalized sports betting in the U.S. is “inevitable,” and the league is open to participating in it. “I guess I was ahead of my time,” said Tim Donaghy.

8. An 18-year-old boy, identified only as D.F., is suing convicted sex offender Jerry Sandusky, claiming he was molested by the former football coach several times six years ago. Said Sandusky, “I used to love it when they piled on, but not like this.”

9. The Walt Disney Company is asking the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to refuse a trademark by electronic music star Deadmau5, who wears a LED-light powered, big-eared mouse head during concerts. And yet, somehow, Will Smith has been able to work in Hollywood for the past 20 years undisturbed.

10. NASA says a newly discovered asteroid will pass “very close” to Earth on Sunday. It’s passing Earth on Sunday and you’re just now discovering it? Step up your game NASA.

11. In a 55-minute long video, al Qaeda announced that it will launch a new branch in India. Said al Qaeda, “You know, it’s really just a numbers game.”

12. Actress Scarlet Johansson gave birth to her first child, a baby girl, on Thursday. The baby was reportedly delivered via C-section, so now she really is ScarJo.

13. Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin outlined plans for a ceasefire in eastern Ukraine. Putin said he will stop bombing eastern Ukraine, but I think that’s only because he’s now referring to it as western Russia.

14. On Tuesday, conservative political commentator Glenn Beck used part of his radio show to declare that if Hillary Clinton decides to run in 2016 she will be the next president. Then Beck used the rest of his show to drink and cry into the microphone.

15. A new smartphone app helps blind people navigate public transit in the Seattle area. Or, for free, you can get a really long stick.

16. Venezuela has lashed out at “Legends,” a U.S. TV show, for an episode that mentions Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in connection with the buying of chemical weapons to quell unrest at home. Said Venezuela, “Don’t give him any ideas.”

17. On Friday, the first ever Denny’s restaurant in Manhattan opened its doors. Said Manhattanites, “Finally, I’m able to experience all the ambiance of a high calorie, greasy diner filled with seamy locals who have given up on their dreams without having to go all the way to New Jersey.”

18. On Friday, the frontrunner in the Texas race for Governor, Republican Greg Abbott, pulled out of the only statewide televised debate. But, judging from past results, it doesn’t look like Texas voters put much stock in a candidate’s debating-abilities anyway.

19. A moratorium on U.S. adult sex film productions were lifted on Friday just 24 hours after a performer’s initial HIV test results proved to be a false positive. Which is ironic because failing tests is how most performers ended up in this business to begin with.

20. A new study shows mothers who give birth in areas with higher concentrations of African-Americans are less likely to be educated on breastfeeding in maternity wards than mothers in other communities. The most common misconception, where chocolate milk comes from.

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