September 4, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he will return as the head of Bloomberg LP, the data and financial company he founded. “Ah fuck,” said the guy who stocks the Bloomberg office soda machine.

2. Private equity firm KKR said on Wednesday that it is investing $90 million in Savant Systems, a company that helps control lighting, temperature and TVs in some of the world’s wealthiest homes. Said Savant Systems, “We’re happy about the investment and even happier that the last letter was an ‘R.’”

3. A new study suggests, pilots and flight attendants may be at an increased risk of developing skin cancer. So maybe that’s what happened to Malaysian Air flight 370.

4. Tests conducted in 2011 and 2013 show that the flu vaccine effectively prevents flu infections in pregnant women, whether or not they are infected with HIV. Although, if you’re a pregnant mother infected with HIV and concerned about the flu vaccine affecting your unborn baby, you may need to reassess your priorities.

5. Mixed martial arts fighter Jonathan “War Machine” Koppenhaver made his initial appearance in court on Wednesday to face 32 charges, including attempted murder. Said friends, “That doesn’t sound like the War Machine that I know.”

6. Mixed martial arts fighter Jonathan “War Machine” Koppenhaver made his initial appearance in court on Wednesday to face 32 charges, including attempted murder. Only “attempted” murder, guess that’s why he never made it in the NFL.

7. For the third consecutive year, Colombian actress Sofia Vergara is the highest paid actress on U.S. television, with estimated earnings of $36 million. Or, more accurately, $18 million a piece.

8. According to police, an Idaho State University professor with a concealed-carry gun permit shot himself in the foot with a handgun that accidentally discharged from inside his pocket in a chemistry classroom full of students. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to see Plaxico found work after the NFL.

9. Scholastic announced that Nick Cannon is set to release a book of children’s poems next March. Or, as his wife Mariah Carey refers to them, poems.

10. A woman in Austin, Texas is calling herself a real-life tiger after covering 90% of her body in tattoos of tiger stripes. When asked why she stopped at 90%, the woman replied, “Well, I didn’t want to look crazy.”

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