September 3, 2014- Monologue Jokes

1. Singer Justin Bieber was arrested on assault and dangerous driving charges yesterday stemming from an alleged fight after his ATV collided with a mini-van in Canada. Said the driver of the mini-van, “Damn, just missed him.”

2. When Colorado voters legalized retail marijuana in 2012, they were told the move would net an additional $33.5 million in tax revenue, but according to the latest numbers, they underestimated by $21.5 million. Said one stoner, “Did you check your jean pockets? I always find extra money on laundry day.”

3. A new smartphone app helps blind people navigate public transit in the Seattle area. We have something like that for New York City public transit, it’s just other subway goers telling you to “watch where you’re fucking going, idiot.”

4. Renowned British architect Norman Foster and a son-in-law of Mexican tycoon Carlos Slim have won a design contest for a new $9.5 billion airport in Mexico City. It will have all the bells and whistles a drug mule could ever want.

5. Defensive end Michael Sam’s bid to become the first openly gay player in the NFL may not be dead as the Dallas Cowboys have expressed interest in adding him to their practice squad. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said Sam would help the team in two areas of weakness, their ability to rush the quarterback and touchdown celebration choreography.

6. In an interview with a morning radio show Tuesday, Tom Brady, the New England Patriot’s 37-year-old quarterback said “When I suck, I’ll retire.” “Not if we need a quarterback,” said the Jets.

7. Alaska’s Democratic and Independent candidates for governor have decided to team up as running mate in the upcoming November elections in a bid to defeat the state’s Republican incumbent. “Where were you guys six years ago?” said John McCain.

8. According to industry experts, Rock Hill, South Carolina boasts the nation’s lowest gas price at $3.09 a gallon. Customers are expected to fill up so they can get the hell out of Rock Hill, South Carolina.

9. According to industry experts, Rock Hill, South Carolina boasts the nation’s lowest gas price at $3.09 a gallon. Said local residents, “At that price, how can I not burn a cross in my neighbor’s yard?”

10. Kubrat Pulev has accused world heavyweight boxing champion Vladimir Klitschko of feigning injury to avoid competing in a title bout scheduled for next month. Said Klitschko, “I’m not injured. We had to postpone because the venue ran out of vowels for the marque.”

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