September 2, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Beatles star Paul McCartney became the latest high-profile figure to sign a letter calling on Scottish voters to chose to remain part of the United Kingdom in a vote on independence next month. Said McCartney, “Don’t be Yoko.”

2. According to a new study, eating foods full of chemicals and high in fat, sodium and sugar may reduce your interest in eating healthier foods. Also reducing your interest in eating healthier foods, eating healthier foods.

3. An orthodontist in Arkansas is offering his patients the choice of having a University of Arkansas Razorbacks logo for no additional cost affixed to the front two teeth of their braces on willing fans. And so begins the search for an Arkansas Razorbacks fan with more than one tooth.

4. Over the weekend, NBA superstar Dwyane Wade and longtime-girlfriend actress Gabrielle Union got married. Said Wade, “See, I told you I didn’t need LeBron to get a ring.”

5. The FBI is now investigating how internet users were able to obtain nude photos of many Hollywood actresses by hacking into their cellphones. Or at least that’s the story one FBI agent told his wife when she caught him on their home computer.

6. Comedian and actor Chris Tucker has reached a deal with the IRS after the government filed a $2.5 million lien against him for unpaid taxes. Turns out, it was Monday, he had a job and he had shit to do, like file his taxes.

7. According to Bloomberg, Apple plans to enable its next iPhone to become a mobile wallet allowing users to make on-the-go payments with the touch of a finger. “Hard pass,” said every actress in Hollywood.

8. The homeless man who accompanied Miley Cyrus to the MTV Video Music Awards last weekend, turned himself in to Oregon police on a probation violation charge on Friday. The Oregon jail where he is being housed said they conducted their most thorough delousing process ever, just to be safe.

9. On Saturday, the St. Louis Rams waived Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player to be drafted into the NFL. In addition to his previous title, Sam has now become the first openly gay football player to be cut from an NFL team and the first openly gay player to lower his expectations and consider the CFL.

10. This past weekend was Labor Day, or, as Donald Sterling thinks of it, “Great, now I have nothing to wear.”

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