10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. ESPN said on Wednesday that it regrets a report that detailed the showering habits of openly gay St. Louis Rams rookie Michael Sam. Said Sam’s teammates, “It’s not a big deal. You have to remember we’re all professional football players, we’re used to this sort of thing, we’ve been to jail.”

2. According to a new survey, one out of every three Mexicans would immigrate to the U.S. if given the opportunity. While the other two are already here.

3. Zookeepers in China suspect a giant panda faked her pregnancy to get preferential treatment. “Wish I had thought of that first,” said Casey Anthony.

4. Under a bill passed by lawmakers on Wednesday, death certificates in California would be changed to reflect the gender identity of people at the time of their death rather than their sex at birth. Said one California coroner, “That’s fine, but just know the moment Bruce Jenner dies, I quit.”

5. A Texas couple has filed a lawsuit against the owners of a Fort Worth-area day care center for duct-taping their 2-year-old son to a mat because he was unruly at nap time. Said the day care center, “Why can’t you guys just be cool about this like Mat’s parents?”

6. After moving up a month and switching to a weekday evening, Monday’s Primetime Emmy Awards drew 15.6 million viewers, a decrease of 2 million from last year’s telecast. Critics attribute the drop to the cast of “Game of Thrones” being at the ceremony in person this year.

7. According to a poll of more than 100 current professional football players, the Oakland Raiders are the least desirable team to play for in the NFL. This replaces last year’s least desirable squad, whichever team Aaron Hernandez was playing on.

8. An 8-year-old Cuban boy who likes to dress up as Fidel Castro got to meet his idol after Cuba’s 88-year-old retired leader invited him to his Havana home. Said the boy, “If I had known that the person I emulated would invite me into their home, I would have dressed up like an American.”

9. A new cursive handwriting standard will go into effect for children in schools throughout the state of Tennessee this year. Or, as it is known in Tennessee, “dem curly letters.”

10. Amid growing concerns over food safety issues in China, a Chinese retailer is offering insurance to customers who buy infant milk powder. The most common answer given as to why customers declined the insurance is “I have a daughter.”

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