August 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie secretly got married over the weekend in France. Reportedly, for their “something borrowed” they adopted another kid.

2. On Thursday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the league has established a six-game suspension for all incidents of domestic violence, with a second violation triggering a lifetime ban. “Well, there goes my comeback,” said O.J.

3. A 1962-63 Ferrari GTO Berlinetta was sold in California on Thursday for $38,000,000. The transaction set two records, the most money every paid for a car at auction and smallest penis.

4. The California State Senate gave final legislative approval on Thursday to a bill that would require certain replica guns to be painted bright colors or made transparent to prevent police from confusing toy guns for real weapons. “That must be what he had, one of those transparent, invisible guns,” said Ferguson police.

5. A suggestion by Singapore’s public housing authority that owners of noisy dogs consider “debarking” their pets, which involves removing a section of the dog’s vocal cord, to avoid inconveniencing neighbors has been met with ire. Said one local dog lovers’ group, “It’s inhumane to remove a dog’s vocal cord, that’s the tastiest part.”

6. Rapper and former Fugees member Pras is headed to North Korea today to watch a wrestling match hosted by a Japanese politician. Pras is very popular in North Korea, or, as they call him there, Dennis Rodman.

7. ESPN said on Wednesday that it regrets a report that detailed the showering habits of openly gay St. Louis Rams rookie Michael Sam. Said Sam’s teammates, “It’s not a big deal. You have to remember we’re all professional football players, we’re used to this sort of thing, we’ve been to jail.”

8. On Tuesday, the White House announced that 151 years after his service in the Civil War, 1st Lt. Alonzo H. Cushing will receive the Medal of Honor posthumously. This selection sets two records, longest period of time between service and recognition and shortest acceptance speech.

9. According to a recent poll taken in Iowa, Mitt Romney is the current front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016. Political experts stress that the results of this poll should be taken with a grain of salt as the people who took the poll also thought it would be a good idea to live in Iowa.

10. On Wednesday, NBA head coach Doc Rivers agreed to a five-year contract extension with the Los Angeles Clippers. Said Donald Sterling, “Well, at least he’s a doctor.”

11. The maker of the popular Grand Theft Auto video game said Lindsay Lohan’s lawsuit accusing it of basing a character on her without her permission is frivolous and an effort by the actress to attract attention. Said Lohan, “That’s only a half-truth, I also need money.”

12. Yesterday, Apple invited media to a “special event” on September 9, where the company is expected to unveil the latest version of its iPhone. Look Siri, it’s not you, it’s me.

13. Following more than a dozen injuries, Johnson & Johnson is recalling many of its jaw implants. Said Luis Saurez, “I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m just an asshole.”

14. Two Australian farmers say that they have found the world’s wooliest sheep, whose estimated 55 pound coat would shatter the world record. Or maybe it’s just a really sly, fat wolf.

15. More than 1,000 people were pulled out of the water and off the beach Monday after a great white shark was spotted off the coast of Duxbury, Massachusetts. The evacuation took longer than expected because people were initially confused as to what a “wicked shack” was.

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