August 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, University of West Virginia starting quarterback Clint Trickett told reporters that Alabama head coach Nick Saban’s daughter, Kristen, was his first kiss when they were both 6-years-old. Nick Saban is understandably upset, but not as upset as West Virginia fans who believe a first kiss is supposed to be something special shared with someone within your immediate family.

2. According to a new survey, one out of every three Mexicans would immigrate to the U.S. if given the opportunity. While the other two are already here.

3. Zookeepers in China suspect a giant panda faked her pregnancy to get preferential treatment. Well, thats the last time I give up my seat on the subway to a pregnant panda bear.

4. Zookeepers in China suspect a giant panda faked her pregnancy to get preferential treatment. “Wish I had thought of that first,” said Casey Anthony.

5. According to an official statement released by the USC Athletics Department, senior cornerback Josh Shaw’s story that he injured both ankles by jumping off a balcony to save his nephew from drowning was a complete fabrication. Said Shaw, “Now comes the hard part, coming clean to my girlfriend, Lennay Kekua.”

6. A U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs officials on Wednesday defended a training guide provided to its Philadelphia office depicting veterans as Oscar the Grouch. Which may seem insensitive, but it’s pretty accurate, they both live on the streets and are missing their legs.

7. Under a bill passed by lawmakers on Wednesday, death certificates in California would be changed to reflect the gender identity of people at the time of their death rather than their sex at birth. Said one California coroner, “That’s fine, but just know the moment Bruce Jenner dies, I quit.”

8. A Texas couple has filed a lawsuit against the owners of a Fort Worth-area day care center for duct-taping their 2-year-old son to a mat because he was unruly at nap time. Said the day care center, “Why can’t you guys just be cool about this like Mat’s parents?”

9. A Florida company plans to build what it believes will be the biggest medical marijuana factory in the country, hoping the economy of scale will lower the cost of the drug. Although, it might be easier to just annex Jamaica.

10. A Florida company plans to build what it believes will be the biggest medical marijuana factory in the country. It will be called “Dizzy World.”

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