August 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. TV Guide is reporting that there may be a “Full House” reboot in the works with some of the original actors reprising their roles. “I’ll do it,” said Dave Couiler, Candance Cameron, Jodie Sweeten and the girl who played Kimmy Gibbler in unison.

2. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it has reached a deal to buy Canadian doughnut chain Tim Hortons and relocate its headquarters north of the border. As a result, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to fly at half-mast.

3. Former Virginia Governor Robert McDonnell said on Tuesday a federal prosecutor was “completely off base” to suggest that he had provided help to a dietary supplement businessman in exchange for loans. Adding, “I never intended to pay those back.”

4. Chicago health officials monitored complaints on Twitter to locate the cause of a food poisoning outbreak and charge that restaurant with a violation. Officials were easily able to locate the diners using the hashtag #ThrowUpThursdays.

5. After moving up a month and switching to a weekday evening, Monday’s Primetime Emmy Awards drew 15.6 million viewers, a decrease of 2 million from last year’s telecast. Critics attribute the drop to the cast of “Game of Thrones” being at the ceremony in person this year.

6. The owners of the rights of the famed pornographic film “Deep Throat” have lost a lawsuit accusing the producers of the 2013 biopic “Lovelace” of copyright infringement. The victory was a surprise to many legal experts who expected a hung jury.

7. A brewery in Austin has started selling 99-packs of beer for $99. It’s perfect for the beer-lover who has given up on having a six-pack.

8. According to TMZ, Justin Bieber is being investigated for attempted battery, theft and robbery after trying to stealing a fan’s phone who was taking pictures of the singer and his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez as they played games at a Dave & Busters. Because nothing says “I’m an adult” like throwing a temper tantrum at an arcade themed restaurant.

9. A New York City police union leader on Tuesday castigated Mayor Bill de Blasio saying the city has lost ground on the fight against crime since he took office in January. Said de Blasio, “What are you complaining about, that’s more job security for you.”

10. Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper said on Tuesday that he was responding to a hypothetical question when he raised the possibility of granting clemency to the state’s longest-serving death row inmate should he lose his re-election bid in November. That hypothetical question, “Are you a sore loser?”

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