August 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a poll of more than 100 current professional football players, the Oakland Raiders are the least desirable team to play for in the NFL. This replaces last year’s least desirable squad, whichever team Aaron Hernandez is playing on.

2. An 8-year-old Cuban boy who likes to dress up as Fidel Castro got to meet his idol after Cuba’s 88-year-old retired leader invited him to his Havana home. Said the boy, “If I had known that the person I emulated would invite me into their home, I would have dressed up like an American.”

3. Burger King is in merger talks with Canadian coffee chain Tim Hortons, a deal that would allow the burger chain to relocate north of the border. So if you thought Rob Ford was distracted before.

4. A prison riot turned deadly in a Brazilian city when rioters killed at least four fellow inmates. Said the guys in charge of administering the lethal injections, “Looks like my Thursday just cleared up.”

5. According to a new study, lesbians report having orgasms more often than heterosexual women. The study was conducted by asking Anne Heche some questions.

6. According to a new study, lesbians report having orgasms more often than heterosexual women. Or at least that’s what married men keep telling their wives when trying to talk them into a threesome.

7. On Monday, golfer Tiger Woods announced that he has split up with swing coach Sean Foley after a four-year partnership. Said Tiger, “Don’t worry ladies, I’m still swinging.”

8. A shooting occurred over the weekend at an MTV Pre-Video Music Awards party hosted by singer Chris Brown. Apparently, the “BYOB” on the invitation stood for “Bring Your Own Bullets.”

9. Detectives have a video that shows a man shooting rap mogul Suge Knight in a West Hollywood nightclub early Sunday morning. Well, they had a video, then Suge Knight hung them over a hotel balcony, now he has it.

10. According to a report by Moody’s, by 2020, thirteen countries will be “super-aged,” meaning that more than 20% of the population will be over 65. “Excellent, everything’s going according to plan,” said CBS.

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