August 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, the Washington Post announced that its editorial board will generally avoid using the word “Redskins” when referring to Washington’s football team. No word on whether the same rules will apply when the paper refers to John Boehner.

2. On Friday, the Washington Post announced that its editorial board will generally avoid using the word “Redskins” when referring to Washington’s football team, but will continue to use the word “insensitive asshole” when referring to Daniel Snyder, the team’s owner.

3. Hip-hop mogul Suge Knight was among three people shot and injured early Sunday morning at a nightclub in West Hollywood. Police have named hologram 2pac as a person of interest.

4. A new cursive handwriting standard will go into effect for children in schools throughout the state of Tennessee this year. Or, as it is known in Tennessee, “dem curly letters.”

5. A cat was rescued after being near death and trapped in a wall of an empty Utah house that was listed for sale. The cat thanked its rescuers by being completely indifferent to them.

6. Amid growing concerns over food safety issues in China, a Chinese retailer is offering insurance to customers who buy infant milk powder. The most common answer given as to why customers declined the insurance is “I have a daughter.”

7. Tests carried out on a man who died in Ireland after returning from an area of Africa hit hard by the Ebola virus were negative for the disease. The tests also determined the Irish man wasn’t dead, just really drunk.

8. According to a new German study, people with high-strew jobs were over 60% more likely to develop type 2 diabetes than unstressed workers. Begging the question, there are unstressed workers in Germany? Are their bosses not German?

9. An unmanned rocket ship designed by Elon Musk’s SpaceX overheated and self-destructed less than twenty seconds after launch over the weekend. Said Musk, “We we’re able to determine the problem and we’ll program the rocket to think about baseball during the next launch.”

10. A toddler was found sleeping in a parked car outside a Connecticut bar early Sunday morning, hours after police discovered her allegedly intoxicated mother sleeping inside the bar. But, in the mother’s defense the kid was her designated driver.

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