August 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, surrounding yourself with beautiful things can make you feel happy. Which explains why everyone is so angry in New Jersey.

2. Siren, a new dating app created by women for women, puts the woman in control of the entire dating process, allowing her to decide who can see her profile, who can communicate with her and what type of date to go on. Experts say it is the most accurate description of what it’s like to be in an real relationship.

3. On Tuesday, Uber introduced a trial service offering on-demand delivery of medicine, toiletries and other drug store items. So now, not only can you order your one-night-stand a taxi home the next morning, but the cab can come stocked with Plan B.

4. As the protests continue in Ferguson, Missouri, over the police shooting of Michael Brown, shares of Taser companies have soared. “Sorry we missed out on this one,” said Skittles.

5. California lawmakers sent a bill to ban the sterilization of inmates in California prisons to Governor Jerry Brown for his approval on Tuesday. Said inmates, “I’m pretty sure no one’s getting pregnant the way we’re doing it.”

6. A Republican party staffer was arrested in New Hampshire yesterday after dressing in a chicken suit and allegedly ruining a parade that featured two Democratic politicians. A parade featuring two Democratic politicians? I’m pretty sure it was ruined before the chicken showed up.

7. According to a new study, people who walk, bike or take public transportation to work tend to be thinner than those who ride in their own cars. Which I can only assume means the person in charge of the study has never seen the people who frequent the G train.

8. According to a school spokesman, the University of New Mexico has opened an investigation into allegations of hazing in which female soccer players were made to strip down, drink alcohol to excess and sprayed with urine. Even worse, they were forced to watch female soccer matches.

9. A new musical based on the life of Cuban-born singer Gloria Estefan will debut on Broadway next year. Finally, a play that will draw in the elusive New York City dishwasher demographic.

10. According to the Wall Street Journal, Snapchat, a mobile app that lets users send messages that disappear within seconds, might expand to cover videos, news stories and advertisements. “What about browser histories?” said married men.

1 thought on “August 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

  1. Pingback: August 20, 2014 - Monologue Jokes | Tinseltown Times

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